Making sense of IT or not

I should be packing.  I leave in less than 24 hours for TN.  I should be packing.  I should be doing a lot of things.  But I can't.  It's demanding that I face a horrible fact in my life that I am not ready to face yet.  I can't face IT....  that would mean I would have to admit to IT.  You see when IT first happened my heart laid there on the floor of my chest broken into millions of pieces.  I quickly set about picking up all those pieces.  I thought if I stayed busy I wouldn't have to think about IT.  Well that worked pretty good.  Right up until I now have to pack to go back home for IT!  IT wants me to acknowledge IT.  I don't want to to acknowledge IT.... not yet any way.  It's too soon for me.  Haven't wrapped my head around IT yet.  I liked it better when IT was just laying to the side of things being quiet and not so demanding.  Much better that way.  IT is practically screaming at me now.  What do I do now with this thing?  How do I make IT shut up!  Just shut up for 2 minutes while I figure this out! 

Family is coming in.  That's good. Right?!  Well, yes and no.  I don't want nor need the drama that is about to come down.  Sweet Jesus, just get me through this next week.  I  can't do this alone.  I feel so terribly alone!!!!!!  My heart aches for the one person who can make it better.  He's gone.  He's the IT!  I want to be angry... I don't want to be angry...  hell I don't know what I want... scratch that, yes I do know, I just can't have IT!   I can't have IT because you left.  You left without saying good-bye, not that you ever would, but you could have at least let me say good-bye....  you could have at least let me tell you that l loved you one more time.   Just one more time!  Now I'm coming home to an urn full of your ashes...  I don't want to spread you across the Mississippi... I want you all to myself.  But I won't get that either......  I have to be rational about this.   I have to keep my head.  I have to do the right thing!  I have to make sure everything is done according to your wishes.  And I will.  I have to keep the peace.  Not so sure about that one.  I'll try.  This last thing.... this secret...  I'll keep it and take it to the grave with me.  But you should have been open with it.  At the very least you should have told me yourself.  I would have understood!  Instead here I sit at this stupid computer telling a white screen that punches out what I type how I feel.  Now you tell me, is that sane??  Yeah, I didn't think so either!!! 

None of this makes sense to me....  so back into the recesses of my mind I go.....