Hey Dodo,
So I'm addressing to you... silly? Perhaps. But you see I'm just a little upset with you. I think this could have been advoidable. If you had just gone to the Doctor when I had asked you to go, they might have caught whatever was going on in time to at least save your life. But you my darling brother are a most stubborn man. Even you picture above my desk says, "Just try to get me to do anything!" It's that,"I'm set in my ways so just leave me alone." look. Yeah, I get it Dodo. I get it better than most. I get the pain, and the frustration of not be able to do much. You were always a fighter, strong and fierce! You should still be here with me. Yes I am being selfish. I miss you!!!!!! I can hardly breathe at times I miss you so much!
Want to know what the kicker is....... We had to put Jazzy down. You see, when you left me, he was all I had to comfort me. We would cuddle up in the chair after Bri went to bed. I would cry and he just laid on my lap and sometimes he would lick the tears away as if to say, it's ok mommy, I'm here and I love you. The last time he laid in my lap he went to sleep for the last time. Dodo, it ripped my heart out!!!!! My baby boy, my fur face, not him too. How much can one heart stand to lose?
So now I'm terrified that I'm going to find Bri dead some day. Wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake? Don't think I can handle much more. I'm trying real hard to hang on Dodo. My heart has broken into so many pieces... so many pieces. I never thought one could die from a lonely broken heart..... perhaps I was wrong.
Oh sweetie, such sad and scary thoughts. Very normal, of course, but that's no comfort when your heart is wringing wet with tears that your throat can no longer cry. I drove back from the doctor's this afternoon in floods of tears, terrified that I in turn will die young and leave my daughters without a mother... these dark, sad thoughts bring on tears of pure terror. You can come against them with carefully chosen words of Scripture, or you can hunker down and just endure the tsunami of emotion until it washes away again and you can think clearly again. Bri is your rock, your soulmate, and yes, that would be the final kicker, to be bereft of him as well. The only thing I can offer for comfort is that these fears are normal. Anger at the beloved departed's refusal to seek medical help that MIGHT have averted the death... aching tears at the loss of a beloved pet... terror-tears at the thought of possibly losing your husband as well. Weep those tears, darlin, because there's nothing else you CAN do. And let it wash over you, and away. Over, and away. Like waves on the ocean - over, and away. xx
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