Yup, it's another 22nd. Five months now. Still the heart seeks you. It still does not understand why you have left. Why it must go on without you. Why it can no longer hear your voice or see your handsome, rugged and trusting face.
I thought it was supposed to get easier or somehow better as time went on, but it doesn't. My heart is still broken. Bruised, bleeding, torn and ripped to shreds. It really wants to just stop beating. I'm trying desperately to hang on. Hang on to something. I don't know if I can hang on much longer. My fingers are starting to hurt and there is no rope and no one to help pull me up. Do I let go? Or, do I hang on until my fingers are bloody and torn? Hang on! Because it would be what Dodo would want. Yeah, he would want life for me. He would want me to hang on. The problem is I don't want to live anymore. I am so tired. Tired of hurting so much. So much of him is here and yet he isn't. I have pictures, and little trinkets, but I would give up all of that and so much more just to have him back again. Selfish??? YES!!!! Yes, I'm selfish. I'm sorry. I am Selfish. I miss him so very very much.
I cannot tell you how many prayers I have uttered. How many tearful pleas and bargains I tried to make with God the night when I got the first phone call that he was in the hospital. I heard nothing. God was silent that night. There was no comfort from no one..... I couldn't believe my ears when the final call came in at 2:50am. It can't be. He's not gone. He's just asleep. Perhaps in another coma. But please don't tell me he's gone. I could not wrap my brain around that!! It just can't be. But it was true. God, where are You???? For the longest time I kept saying, "I'm not angry." I wasn't. At least I didn't think I was. After hearing the song below I realized it was God that I am angry with. God has taken so much from me. Let me rephrase that, He has allowed things to be taken from me. first my health, then my photography, my livelihood, my Uncle, Dodo, Jazz, a friend with stage 3 cancer, another friend fighting cancer, the list continues to grow..... how much more can one person take? I don't want to know. In the song below at the end things are reconciled and they see that God was the carrying them all along. I have not made it to the end yet in my journey. I have not made it out of the wilderness yet. I am still in the darkness. My demons still torment me.
"Where Were You"
Calling and calling, nobody home
It feels like I'm falling alone
Out on an Island, there's a voice on the beach
Watching your plane pass over me
How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
I thought you'd be there!
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue
Where were you?
One set of footprints, on the path I'd been on
But you say you've been here all along, oh
If you really loved me, like nobody else
Why was I walking through hell
How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
Oh, I thought you'd be there!
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue
When my prayers bounced off the ceiling
I was facing down my demons
When my legs gave up beneath me
And I fell into your arms
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
You carried me through
On your shoulders, black and blue
I never knew
The footprints in the sand were you
Were you
One set of footprints, on a path I'd been on
Now I know they were yours all along
It feels like I'm falling alone
Out on an Island, there's a voice on the beach
Watching your plane pass over me
How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
I thought you'd be there!
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue
Where were you?
One set of footprints, on the path I'd been on
But you say you've been here all along, oh
If you really loved me, like nobody else
Why was I walking through hell
How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
Oh, I thought you'd be there!
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue
When my prayers bounced off the ceiling
I was facing down my demons
When my legs gave up beneath me
And I fell into your arms
Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
You carried me through
On your shoulders, black and blue
I never knew
The footprints in the sand were you
Were you
One set of footprints, on a path I'd been on
Now I know they were yours all along
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