Happy 4th of July Dodo

Hey Dodo,
Well, here we are at another 1st without you.  Do you remember in Aitchison how we used to have the garden hose ready all the time because lived right behind the high school and that's where they had the fireworks display.  The one year one landed on top of the roof and the firetruck had to come out!  I was laughing my ass off the whole time and Daddy was madder than a hornet.  Mom was just looking at the two of us, shaking her head.  Telling me to stop laughing or I was going to give our Dad a coronary.  I finally had to walk around the block cuz Mom would't let me back in the house.  Once the fire truck got there the ember had already burned out.  No harm done.  I started laughing again.  Boy did I get it later that night.  It's still pretty funny.  If I remember correctly, you were laughing pretty good yourself.  In fact you had some tears rolling down your face you were laugh so hard... how come you didn't catch hell?  Oh yeah, you were older than me and you always seemed to manage to get out of stuff.  That's ok Bro, I would love to hear that laugh again!!!

It won't be long now and I'll be down in Louisiana.  Hopefully to spread your ashes.  Hopefully to get some closure to all of this.  Where I need the closure the most I'm afraid isn't with you.  It's more with myself, forgiving myself and forgiving Tony and Bill.  Here's the thing Dodo, I'm not sure I will ever forgive those boys for what they did.  They broke my heart.  They may as well ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it and then set it on fire for good measure.  How could they steal you away from me?  And then turn Tracy against me.  I should have listened to you Dodo!  I should have left Tony out of all of this.  I though I was doing the right thing.  But I see now I was wrong.  I am so very sorry Dodo!!  I hope and pray you can forgive me!

Until next time my Spirit Wolf, my Dodo,
I love you always,
SN

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So now it is the 6th of July 2017.  Didn't get this published due to high level of anxiety.  I am not sure where they are coming from but I seem to be in a solid state of anxiety. I really wish someone would help me. I don't know who to turn to or where to go. 
Dodo, this is your SN signing off.  I love you with every once of my being.