The Wilderness

I look around our tiny apartment and wonder if we will ever be able to afford a larger one.  But then does that matter?
I'm back at work and I watch all the shoplifting and drug deals and people getting in my face yelling and screaming about how life is so unfair.  They tell me how I am a racist for receipt checking them.  They pull knives on me and threaten me with hatchets.  They spit on me and stand way too close to me in their urine stained clothes.   I stare at them with a blank expression as if they aren't even there.  Because I don't want to believe humanity is so low and disgusting.  But then does that matter?  Does any of this matter anymore??  I am so very very tired.  Losing Dodo is almost more than I can handle right now.  I'm feeling so overwhelmed!  I have to pay for his cremation which is over $3000.00.  Bri  got a ticket which is over $200.  The truck needs tags, another $200.  And the list goes on and on and on......  I feel like I'm in some sort of vacuum.  A tornado and I'm being whipped around and around and I can't control it.  Noting to grasp onto.  No anchor.  My anchor is gone.  He left me in Dec.  The 22nd of Dec to be exact. Once in a while a thought would creep into my mind, it went like this,  "What would I do if Dodo were gone?  Well, it would be a very dark place.  A wilderness so dark you couldn't see 3 feet in front of you, and as you walk along you realized you were barefoot, and every step you took was agonizing because you were walking on sticks and branches with lots of little thorns sticking up.  But you knew if you stayed in one place something very bad would happen to you.  So keep walking.  No matter how much it hurts, keep walking.  Calling out his name, but there is never an answer.  So keep walking.   Don't stop, I know it hurts, but you have to keep walking.    The woods are getting more dense now and the thorns are now scratching your arms....  tangling in your hair...  They are wrapping their long thin wooden fingers around you trying to hold you back.  DODO  WHERE ARE YOU?!  I NEED YOU!!  No answer. And then.......... Run SN!  Run!!!!  I try to run, but I am so very tired Dodo.  You were always there to help me through the tough times.  You're not here and I'm lost and afraid.  I am consumed with fear and anguish, left alone and trembling in the dark scary wilderness and it has it's thorns deep in my flesh. I need you Dodo! I need you." Finally after hours of fighting and screaming out his name I just go limp.  There's no point in going on anymore.  He can't hear me!  HE's DEAD!!!  DEAD!!!  DEAD!!!  DEAD... DO YOU HEAR ME?  HE'S DEAD!!!  DODO IS GONE, FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!  It's final, there is no going back.  So, give it up.  accept your fate.
Please wake me up!  Tell me this has been a horrible dream and he's off writing another book.  Tell me there was no fight over his ashes, that his son's didn't kidnap him and hold him for ransom.  Tell me my heart isn't breaking and that I'll be ok, because if this is all true......  Sweet Jesus help me.