Hello Darkness my Old Friend

So you decided to pay me visit today.  Thought you might have given up on me and moved on.  I see now that is not the case.  You were just been laying dormant for a short spell. Resting and gathering up your strength.  Waiting until my thoughts went wondering to my brother and Jazzy.  Which they have....  you and I both know what this week is. Wednesday is the 22nd.  And you won't let me forget it will you?  Three months.  Three long agonizing months since Dodo left me.  I don't blame him.  He was in so much pain.  Part of grieving is I'm supposed to get angry....  I can't  get angry at Dodo.  I love him too much and I know how much he was suffering.  How can I possibly be mad at him.  There is anger, just not at him.  Mostly at myself.  Angry at how I should have handled things better at the memorial and setting it up.  I should have listened to Dodo and not told his son he had passed.  We would not have had the drama we had if only I had listened to him in the first place.  So that's on me,  I'm afraid Dodo is disappointed in me.  I feel like I have let him down.  I'm so sorry Dodo!!!  So very very sorry!!!
So darkness, now you delight also in my anguish of losing Jazzy too.  On Wednesday that too will hold yet another sad memory.  It will be week 3 since he left us.   Darkness you know how much I am missing my Jazzy.  How much I miss his sweet little paws tapping me on my leg wanting up or tapping the chair wanting up in the chair with me.  There isn't one single time I come through the door that I don't wish I could see him all excited and doing his little dance and talking up a storm until I pick him up and love on him.  Yeah it's that bad.  Enjoy that do you?  Darkness, you & I have been pals for quite some time now.  You have been there in my mind and in my heart ever since I can remember.  You were there when David was being mean.  You were there when my first husband was being mean.  And you are still here.....  You sneak in like a lioness on the hunt.  You're using me to feed your own ego and dark twisty desires.  Oh I fight you.  I fight you with all my might and most of the time I lose.  But when I win, it feels so good.  Will I win today?  I don't know.  All I know is you have crept in and now I must deal with you.  And deal with you I will....   With prayer and the knowledge that Christ is my champion!  Good luck darkness.