Grief... It really sucks!

Hello Dodo,

I'm sitting at my desk at a loss for words.  We talked this day last year.  It was late.  If memory serves me well we talked for nearly 2 hours.  Sweet Lord in Heaven, I would give anything to just hear his voice again.  That  deep southern drawl you have...  it would melt any woman's heart!

You would have been 67 this year.  But now you will be forever 66 years old.  I guess I'll catch up to you now.  Though I'd rather just have you back.

I felt your presence today.  I was crying, harder than I have in a long time.  I swore I felt your arms around me like you use to do when I would cry.  Then you would go beat up the bad guy.  No one messed with your kid sister.   Do  you remember the time you took me to school on "Baby"?   There was a bully that always tried to take our money or he would make snide remarks to a lot of us.
Then you & I pull up on this huge motorcycle one morning.  You are decked out in all leather and I have a leather jacket on that you got for me for my birthday that same year.   And there he was...  just staring at us.  You walk right up to him and said,  "Is your name Billy?"  He said, very sheepishly, "Yes sir."  Then you told him that if he continues to harass us he would have to do things he would not like.  Poor Billy didn't stand a chance.  He was in tears.  And by the time you were done with him, he was a puddle on the ground and he never bothered anyone ever again.   Do you remember everyone cheering after you were done??  I do.  All I could do was smile and I remember  being very very proud of my big brother!!!  Of course what I didn't know at the time was you had showed him your badge!  No wonder he came undone!!   At least for one day I was very popular at school.

So many stories to tell, some I just want to hold close to my heart.
I wish I could be close to family.  Just to be able to talk about you and listen to their stories, the ones they want to share.

Pete, I miss you so much.  You and Mom are so very close to my  heart and never far from my thoughts.  All I have to do is look up from my desk and on my wall are pictures of you and Mom.  Even on my desk.  All these years since Mom has been gone, I still miss her so much!  I loved talking about her with you.

They say there are 5 stages to grief;  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Well, denial still creeps up every now and then.  Like when I want to pick up the phone and call you.
Anger...  Hmmm, I still cannot be angry with you for going.  If I had a choice, I would go too.  I'm angry with myself for the way things went at the memorial, but I can't change it and hey frankly, I did the best I could.  Bargaining, can't say I have done that.  Depression,  yup, there is that.  Acceptance, oh hell no!!!!!  There will never be acceptance.  Why should I accept the fact you are gone?  NO!  I will not!  I refuse!  I love you too much.  Maybe some day I will be able to do that.  Today is not that day.

Happy Birthday Pete!  I love you with all my heart and soul!!!
Later Dodo....