One Week

It's been one week today since you left...  I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think...  
I found a feather last night.  In Native American belief it means you left it for me to let me know you are thinking about me.  Are you?  Are you thinking about me?  Because it's all I do is think about you.  Wondering how in the hell I'm going to get through this.  Wondering if there is an end to this agonizing pain.  Will my heart ever be able to be repaired?   Will it ever stop splitting into millions of pieces?  How much more can one person take?  Within one month an Uncle dies, a dear friend diagnosed with cancer and then the kill strike...  He took you away.  My knight, my protector and confidant. The only one I could run to and tell everything to.  Gone.  Even as I write this I keep thinking my phone is going to ring any minute now and that familiar ringtone will sound off.  "Your brother is attempting to reach you on your cellular device"  Oh God I want to hear that sound again!  I want to hear your voice.  This really sucks Dodo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 The pain of losing you...

Its like a plague that never goes away,
Or an animal and its prey,
It waits...
And waits...
And waits...until you're not looking,
Then closes in and devours you...
From the inside out.
ALL you see is shadows of the ones you once knew,
No more happiness,
No more laughter,
No more love,
Its like a black veil that covers your heart.
Your soul becomes a black hole,

No longer does anything matter,
Its all darkness,
Like a plague that never goes away.

The Day After Christmas

I made it.  I survived Christmas Day.  I didn't want to survive.  My heart laid on the floor of my chest broken.  A million pieces of glass scattered and my heart could barely beat.  I help my breath.  No words to describe the agony that was creeping within my soul.
There are so many emotions going on and I can't put a name to some of them.  How is that possible?

You know he promised he would stick around at least until I got there next month.  We had so much planned to do.  We were going to get his affairs in order and get his new ipod set up for him so we could have face time together.  What happened Pete?  Why didn't you go to the Dr. when I asked you to.  I knew you were losing blood again.  I told you to call the Dr.  You didn't, you waited too long.  I should have been there with you.  I should have been holding your hand.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.   I miss you Pete.  I miss your laughter, your voice, your wit and hell just everything about you!

Grief sucks!  It rips your heart out of your chest and crushes it into dust and the wind yanks it out of your hand and  takes it away.  You are left with nothing.  There are days you feel absolutely nothing and there are days you feel everything so intensely you're afraid the world will hear every breath you take.  So you try to not breathe.  If you could just not breathe.  Fade away.  Like the last ray of sunshine fades into darkness....