Having a bad day today. Want to call you. I know, I know... You won't be on the other end. You never are these days. I wanted to tell you that I cut my hair in tradition with Native American ways when a loved one dies. Only took me 8 months to do it. From here I will let it grow back out.
I miss talking to you about our native ways. Hell, I just miss you!! Everyday seems to have a life of it's own. For instance, one day I might be completely fine. You're in my thoughts but I'm handling it ok. The next day I'm nothing but a puddle. I can't concentrate on anything, or even focus. Then there will be times when I am so mad at you because you haven't contacted me yet. You have been to everyone except me. I know I have disappointed you. I don't how to fix it. I have told you so many times how sorry I am. But it seems to be of no avail. How much more do you want me to suffer Pete? How far down shall I go? This is tearing me apart. I can't talk to anyone about it because they would think I was off my rocker. Maybe I am. Thing is, I know better. Both Daddy and Mom came to me. They both told me they loved me and that everything was alright. Why won't you come to me?? WHY? See I think I know the answer to that. You are angry with me for telling Tony you had passed. Perhaps things wouldn't have turned out the way they had. Perhaps Lil' Bill would have told him and still would have turned out the exact same way. We just don't know. The point is I told him. After you told me not to.
Everyone is telling me, No no no he's not mad you! He could never be mad at you! Thing is, I know better. I know you like no one else does. I know you can be mad at me and chances are you just very well may be mad at me. I betrayed your trust. It's just that simple.
So this is my formal apology. Pete, I did you wrong. I told your son you had passed when you had asked me not to. I am so very very sorry!!! Then I dropped the ball regarding the memorial. I thought Delores was going to do what she said she would do. Instead she did nothing therefor the memorial was a disaster. Again I am so very very sorry. Yolanda was right. She should have been your person. Things would have been different. She told me that while I was down there when we spread your ashes. So basically my beloved brother I am a complete and utter F*** up. I am so very sorry Dodo. I will probably never forgive myself for not getting this one very important thing right.
The love I have for you Pete will always continue in my heart and my soul. You were always there for me. This one time you needed me to be there for you, I wasn't. I had prayed so much for some sort comfort and peace. I had hoped beyond hope that when we spread your ashes I would find that peace. So far I have not.
They say that there is a thin line between love and hate. I don't know about that. Love is beautiful and pure and most of the time innocent. While hate is ugly and full of darkness and twisted up with pure treachery. So I don't see a thin line, I see the Grand Canyon. I see me on one side and you on the other side and I'm screaming my head off trying desperately for you to hear me, but you don't. Or maybe you do and and you just don't want to answer. Right about now some who are reading this are thinking wow she really loves her brother and he must be on the hate side. You would be wrong. My brother is on the side of love, because I do know he loves me. Me? There is this huge gulf between us. See the Grand Canyon has these "arms" if you will, that stretch out from the main canyon. And that is where I am. Still on the love side.... just on the other side of one of these long, wide arms. Still screaming for my brother to hear me. There is one little problem here... The gunk at the bottom of the canyon on the hate side has a nasty habit of flowing over to the other side. To the love side where I am trying to get my brother to hear me. So This gunk is on me. All the bad, all the mistakes and the betrayal of trust. Yup, that's on me. So, here I am trying desperately to get this crap off of me and it is sticking like glue. I have done every thing I know to get this crap off of me. Everything except hand it over to the L~rd. I am terrified of handing it over to the L~rd. I'm afraid if I do that then I won't ever get my brother back. Silly, right? I have to let go at some point. Perhaps he never will come to me. Perhaps he will always be mad at me or perhaps he isn't mad at me at all.... I don't have those answers. But I do have a G~d who loves me and that I know for sure. Does this mean I have given it all to the L~rd? Probably not. It is a slow process. But one has to start somewhere.
