We are coming into the Holidays and more importantly your Birthday and the 1 year anniversary of when you left. The big D word. I hate saying the D word. It makes it too real. I'd rather live in the not so real world right now if you don't mind. It's easier to swallow that way.
This year has been a complete daze for me. Some days have been ok, mostly they have been barely tolerable. I wake up and tell myself that it's ok, you can do this. Grab a hold of your boot straps and yank real hard! Get a grip and plant that great big smile God gave you and fool the population into believing you are doing absolutely wonderful! Yeah, you cry, you moan and groan just enough to let them know you still struggle.... but not enough to show the depth of the pain and anguish. Why? Because they wouldn't understand. No one would. Most likely they would call the folks with those cute little blouses where the arms wrap all the way around you. You know the ones. Cute little buckles. The only trouble is you need help getting them on and off. Real pain in the ass.
I read your eulogy you wrote at your (so called) memorial. I found it on your computer. You said not to cry, not to mourn, not to say "Goodbye." You said for us to say, "See you later." There is one major flaw in that my darling brother! Later, is far too long! Later, may never come! Not until we... you know the big D word. What if I don't want to wait? What if I want to see you now! What if I want to hear your voice, your laughter and feel your great big ole bear hugs? What if.......
