What Now

So, I found out earlier that the entire funeral cost has fallen on my shoulders.  So now what? I'm drawin' a blank here.  I don't know how to do this...  grief is hard enough as it is... all theses emotions and I have no idea how to cope with this.  
So l just keep on goin' on.  Keep on livin'  as if this is ok...  Well, it's NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!   None of this is OK...  my brother is gone and I'm left holding the bill.  I went from denial to anger in record time I think.  But I haven't figured out who I'm angry at.  

I Miss You!

It's Wednesday and all I want to do is stay in bed.  I'm so tired.  People see me and say, "you look tired."  I say, "Yeah, a little.  I'm Okay."  I don't want them to know what I really want to say...  Yes, I'm tired!  I don't sleep.  I keep hoping my phone will ring and I'll get to talk to my Dodo one more time.  Hear his deep rich southern drawl.  God I love his voice!  But the phone never rings.  It just sits there.... silent... So I call you.  I listen to your voice mail telling me you are unavailable.  I can't tell you how many times now I have done that!  Just to hear your voice! 

I miss you with all of the pieces of my heart ~ and whats left of my soul.

Reading your book

Dodo,
 Guess what, I have been reading your book House on Fourth Street, it has completely pulled me in.  I'm half way through and I don't want it to end.....ever.  I have so many questions to ask you...  like is your Mary in the book is that Little Mary from the store?   And does the one family have anything to do with the crash??  And is Lee your friend Dave B. who died from a motor cycle accident?

Dang it Dodo!  Why'd you leave me?!  I still have so much more to say to you.  So many things I want to tell you, like, "I love you Dodo!"  And, just hanging out with  you on the phone  for a couple of hours.

The Sun came up....

The world is still moving.  People are going on about their lives.  Laughing, talking, planning their day.  As if nothing has happened.  To them all is well.  For me, all is not well.  Life came to a screeching, sound deafening halt on Dec. 22, 2016.  Yup, the day my Dodo died.  What!? Wait!?  Did I just say he died?  Because I have no proof of that!  All I have is the word of someone telling me that he died.  That and the silence of my phone.  It's suppose to ring every other day or so.  It hasn't rang in 12 days now.  Who knew silence could be so loud!!!  Well, I'm here to tell you that it is so loud it hurts!  Why is it so damn loud?

Yesterday was the 1st of January.  A new year.  We would have brought in on the phone, talking about the old days and the parties Mom and Daddy would have.... all the people coming and going out of the house....  awww the good ole days.  The mash potato fights, the hose being drug in through the kitchen window to clean up said potato fight!  We would laugh so hard we would be crying...  tears of joy and happiness.   Now the tears are of sorrow and sadness.  A sadness that is so all encompassing.  I can't keep this up any more.  I miss him so much.  Now what? What do I do now?
For the love of God someone please tell me how to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so lost, so alone.....
And that damn sun came up again!