Jazzy

When I first got the call from the breeder that she had a eight month old toy poodle who had been horribly abused and needed a forever home, I was a bit reluctant to say the least.   My Doctor told me I needed a dog for a companion, so I went over to meet the little guy.

At first he didn't want to come to me.  So I sat down on the floor and played with the other dogs and talked softly with the breeder and the other dogs.  Slowly he came over and sniffed me and backed up.  He sat down and just looked at me.  So I began talking to him.  I told him I was sorry  he had been mistreated and that no one should abused him like that.  I told him if he want to come over and say hi I would be gentle and just love on him for a little while.  But it would be up to him if he wanted to come or not.  Eventually he did just that.  He came up to me and tapped my knee with his tiny paw and I just laid my hand next to his paw.  He sniffed and then gave my hand a very delicate kiss.  So  I reached over to pet his paw and that was ok.  I tried to reach over his head and he duck as if I were going to hit him.  I cooed at him and told him it was ok, I would never hit him.  After a few minutes he crawled up into my lap and went to sleep.  And I brought him home.  I took him to the Vet to make sure he was ok physically.  The Vet asked me how old he was and I told her 8 months.  She said that he was more like 4 - 5 years old.  Then she asked me if I still wanted him.  My reply was swift and absolute!  Of course I wanted him!!!!

I was a long rough road at first.  You couldn't move very fast or raise a paper or book without him running away to hide.  You couldn't raise your voice...  Even now or till the end you couldn't raise your voice.  It would upset him greatly.  But with lots of love and understanding Jazzy came out of his shell and he gave us so much love in return.  

I still miss coming home at night after work to his crazy jumping up and down and talking until I picked him up and loved on him.  Then  it was a walk and feeding time.  Then some much needed cuddle time.  That's what I miss the most... the cuddle time.  

Don't Like Where This is Headed....

Hey Dodo,
So I'm addressing to you...  silly?  Perhaps.  But you see I'm just a little upset with you.  I think this could have been advoidable.  If you had just gone to the Doctor when I had asked you to go, they might have caught whatever was going on in time to at least save your life.  But you my darling brother are a most stubborn man.  Even you picture above my desk says, "Just try to get me to do anything!"  It's that,"I'm set in my ways so just leave me alone." look.   Yeah, I get it Dodo.  I get it better than most.  I get the pain, and the frustration of not be able to do much.  You were always a fighter, strong and fierce!  You should still be here with me.  Yes I am being selfish.  I miss you!!!!!!  I can hardly breathe at times I miss you so much!  
Want to know what the kicker is.......  We had to put Jazzy down.  You see, when you left me, he was all I had to comfort me.  We would cuddle up in the chair after Bri went to bed.  I would cry and he just laid on my lap and sometimes he would lick the tears away as if to say, it's ok mommy, I'm here and I love you.  The last time he laid in my lap he went to sleep for the last time.  Dodo, it ripped my heart out!!!!!  My baby boy, my fur face,  not him too.  How much can one heart stand to lose?
So now I'm terrified that I'm going to find Bri dead some day.  Wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake?  Don't think I can handle much more.  I'm trying real hard to hang on Dodo.  My heart has broken into so many pieces...  so many pieces.  I never thought one could die from a lonely broken heart.....  perhaps I was wrong.

I'm stuck

If someone had told me that the last 4 months of my life would be the worst I have yet to go through, I probably would have thought they were crazy!  Yet here I am wishing I could be anywhere but here.   Feeling lost.  Knowing I should be well on my way to be over this.   But I'm not.  The wounds are raw, they bleed still.  Sometimes they bleed profusely.  It's an agony I have never felt. 

So tell me, please for the love of all that is holy, how do I "get over" This?  How do I get over the loss of an Uncle, my beloved Dodo and my 4 legged baby boy?!  Because I'm stuck.....  I need help....Jesus I need Help!