Lately I've been wanting to talk you. I have listened to your voice mail message unable to leave a message because it's just a recording of your message. But I have your voice. Did you know that your voice is my favorite sound in the world? IT IS! And I miss it so very much! Dodo, I miss you so much it hurts every fiber of my being. I try to drown out the loudest of the hurt with music and tv, but we both know that doesn't really work. To top it off we are coming up on Mother's Day and Mom's birthday. Two of the hardest days of the year for me. I always called you on those days, it made it a little bit easier to handle. You are my rock, my anchor, what do I do now? How do I get through these days without you? I don't know how!!!!!! It hurts so much these days I feel I can't go on. What's the point? I get up, go to work only to be abused by the homeless tweakers and sometimes management. I come home, go to bed only to get up and do it all again. Oh and lets not forget the pain I endure daily. So, again I say, What's the point?! I'm so tired Dodo! So ready to get off this rock.
I look at all your pictures as I edit them and get them ready for the kids. But I wonder will they like them? Will they appreciate them and all the long hours and hard work I have put into this project? It doesn't matter really. All I want to do is give them a part of you. I wonder Dodo did they know you like I knew you? Did they know the funny side of you? The happy go lucky side? OR the protective side that said if you mess with my little sister there will be consequences! Like the time when Charles wouldn't leave me alone and even went so far as to run Mom & I off the road. Man o man, that was all she wrote! I never saw him again after that! I know you and the "brothers" took care of things. Always wondered what happened to Charles. No matter. Point is you always took care of me. Did they know that about you? Did they know the playful side of you? Or the side that would sit for hours on end listening to your troubles and then give you sound advise.
You wore many hats Pete. Even in the reality of your own mortality you still protected us. You didn't want us to know, you knew how much it would hurt us. How much it would worry us. My protector to the very end.
The ache of missing you at times is too much to bare. I know I should let you go. But I can't. I know I should say goodbye. But I will not ever say goodbye! I will always hold you near and dear to my heart. I will never ever let you go!!!!!!! NEVER! I guess my friends will either have to accept that or not. How can I let the only person who ever understood me and loved me, go? I cannot! It would be like asking me to stop breathing. Or asking the sun to stop rising. Perhaps I will forever stay in my grief. I don't care. All I know is I can't move forward. I just can't. In this darkness, this wilderness I shall wander with you in my heart and soul. One day I just may find my way out. Perhaps we are searching for something together. Until we find what we are searching for I will stay with you. I love you my Knight, my protector, my Spirit wolf, my Dodo.
