One Week From Today

One week from today...  that's when you left.  One week from today...  that's when my heart shattered into millions of pieces.  One week from today...  that's when all the air was sucked out of my lungs.  One week from today....  that's when my life stopped.  That night standing in the kitchen has been forever seared in my heart.   I fight for every breath, my lungs don't want to breathe.  I fight for every beat of my heart because my heart does not want to beat.  Why would they?  TELL ME!!!!  WHY WOULD  THEY?!?!

To say I miss you is a joke!  There are no words to completely convey what my heart feels.  I love you so much Dodo...  I never imagined a life without my big brother in it.  But then I never imagined a life without my mother either. You were always there to help me through those times after Mom left.  You were my rock Pete.  Now my rock is gone and I'm sinking in mud that has an iron grip on me.   Please Dodo, please come back..................I know... I know.

Can't blame you for leaving...

I can't blame you for leaving, but it's still not fair. I don't know what to do, now that you're not here.   I don't know how to love, don't know how to feel anything but pain.   All I want is to have you back.  To have you healthy, laughing and the brother I remember.  If all I can do to keep you here with me, I'll remember you.  And when I don't know what to think,  I'll think about you.

December....

Hey Dodo,
It's December.  I don't know what to do.  I play your phone message over and over just to hear your voice.  It's crazy, right?   I felt you the other day.  I was crying, In my mind I could hear you say, "It's ok kid.  I've gotcha."   Through the tears I kinda smiled and cried even harder and that's when it happened.  I could feel your arms around me.  Not like human arms....  I just knew you were  there holding me.  Dang, I miss those hugs.

As I walk to and from work I see more and more Christmas lights go up.  I think to myself, "Can I do it? Can I decorate and enjoy Christmas this year?"  Every time I come back with this overwhelming need to cry.   How on Earth will I ever be able to enjoy Christmas again?  All it holds now is heartache.  I bought a cute 6 inch Christmas tree that lights up and it changes color...  It's pretty, but all I see is a declaration, it means nothing to  me.  I look at your picture and I am over come by feelings.  Feelings of deep sadness and longing.  Feelings like.... too many to put into words.  There is  this darkness that creeps up every  now and again.  It's a familiar feeling.  He's an old friend.  He comes around from time to time.  I guess he thought he needed to stop by again.    No telling how long he will stay.

Hey Pete, do you remember the time in Tonopah when we were playing softball in the house with the dish thingy.  The plastic scrubber.  It was Christmas.  Mom came from the restaurant and said for us to knock it off or she was going to toss the tree and all out the back door and down the cliff because we kept breaking the ornaments?   Remember that?  Well, we thought sure she wasn't serious.  So we kept playing.  And damned if we didn't break another ornament just as she came back in the door.  We got our tails whooped and... yup, true to her word, the tree, ornaments, lights and tinsel went out the back door and down the cliff!!  You were laughing your ass off and I was crying!   We had Christmas in the restaurant that year.  I still have that picture.  
There it is.  Looking at us you'd think we were perfect little angles!  Hmmm  If you were still here we would go paint the town!  Have a good laugh and few drinks.  I miss you Dodo! More than I could ever adequately put into words.
Love you Dodo!

Grief... It really sucks!

Hello Dodo,

I'm sitting at my desk at a loss for words.  We talked this day last year.  It was late.  If memory serves me well we talked for nearly 2 hours.  Sweet Lord in Heaven, I would give anything to just hear his voice again.  That  deep southern drawl you have...  it would melt any woman's heart!

You would have been 67 this year.  But now you will be forever 66 years old.  I guess I'll catch up to you now.  Though I'd rather just have you back.

I felt your presence today.  I was crying, harder than I have in a long time.  I swore I felt your arms around me like you use to do when I would cry.  Then you would go beat up the bad guy.  No one messed with your kid sister.   Do  you remember the time you took me to school on "Baby"?   There was a bully that always tried to take our money or he would make snide remarks to a lot of us.
Then you & I pull up on this huge motorcycle one morning.  You are decked out in all leather and I have a leather jacket on that you got for me for my birthday that same year.   And there he was...  just staring at us.  You walk right up to him and said,  "Is your name Billy?"  He said, very sheepishly, "Yes sir."  Then you told him that if he continues to harass us he would have to do things he would not like.  Poor Billy didn't stand a chance.  He was in tears.  And by the time you were done with him, he was a puddle on the ground and he never bothered anyone ever again.   Do you remember everyone cheering after you were done??  I do.  All I could do was smile and I remember  being very very proud of my big brother!!!  Of course what I didn't know at the time was you had showed him your badge!  No wonder he came undone!!   At least for one day I was very popular at school.

So many stories to tell, some I just want to hold close to my heart.
I wish I could be close to family.  Just to be able to talk about you and listen to their stories, the ones they want to share.

Pete, I miss you so much.  You and Mom are so very close to my  heart and never far from my thoughts.  All I have to do is look up from my desk and on my wall are pictures of you and Mom.  Even on my desk.  All these years since Mom has been gone, I still miss her so much!  I loved talking about her with you.

They say there are 5 stages to grief;  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Well, denial still creeps up every now and then.  Like when I want to pick up the phone and call you.
Anger...  Hmmm, I still cannot be angry with you for going.  If I had a choice, I would go too.  I'm angry with myself for the way things went at the memorial, but I can't change it and hey frankly, I did the best I could.  Bargaining, can't say I have done that.  Depression,  yup, there is that.  Acceptance, oh hell no!!!!!  There will never be acceptance.  Why should I accept the fact you are gone?  NO!  I will not!  I refuse!  I love you too much.  Maybe some day I will be able to do that.  Today is not that day.

Happy Birthday Pete!  I love you with all my heart and soul!!!
Later Dodo....

Happy Birthday Pete

It's fall, the leaves are changing and it is quite lovely.   The sky does this magical thing where it changes colors.  Ushering in the long winter nights.  The time of year when folks are happy, full of joy and giving gifts during the Christmas Season.  That is before you left me.  Before you disappeared into the darkness.  Not even a goodbye.  Not that you ever would say goodbye, we all know how much you hated that word.  Goodbye.  Hell I hate that word.  But it doesn't stop the inevitable from happening.  Now I don't know how to say goodbye.  I'm afraid to say goodbye...  I saw a clip  a friend of yours posted on FB.  You were on there just briefly.  You waved and said "Hey", just hey...  That was so precious.  To hear your voice....   I miss your voice, your laughter, but you want to know what I miss the most????   Your hugs!  Those wonderful big ole bear hugs.  I always felt safe there.  I never worried, never doubted for a second...  I knew you had me.  I knew no one would ever hurt me.

Your birthday is the 22nd of this month.   It will also be 11 months since you have been gone.  You  would have been 67 years young.  You were way to young to leave me Pete.  I don't know how to do this any more.  My heart is shattered.  I don't have anyone to help pick the pieces up.   No one can even if they did try.  Only you could do that.

Your pictures surround me.  On my  desk, on my wall... everywhere, along  with Mom's pictures.  You two were beautiful people.  Inside and out.  Words are just words.  They will never be able to express the deep deep anguish my heart is in every single day with both of you gone.   So many  regrets..  not saying all the things I should have said.  Not spending enough time with y'all like I should have.  Now it is too late.  I will never be able to get that time back again.  It's gone forever.  Just like you and Mom.  I will always love you both so very very much.  some day I pray y'all can forgive me....

What if....

We are coming into the Holidays and more importantly your Birthday and the 1 year anniversary of when you left.  The big D word.  I hate saying the D word.  It makes it too real.  I'd rather live in the not so real world right now if you don't mind.  It's easier to swallow that way.

This year has been a complete daze for me.  Some days have been ok, mostly they have been barely tolerable.  I wake up and tell myself that it's ok, you can do this.  Grab a hold of your boot straps and yank real hard!  Get a grip and plant that great big smile God gave you and fool the population into believing you are doing absolutely wonderful!  Yeah, you cry, you moan and groan just enough to let them know you still struggle....  but not enough to show the depth of the pain and anguish.  Why?  Because they wouldn't understand.  No one would.  Most likely they would call the folks with those cute little blouses where the arms wrap all the way around you.  You know the ones.  Cute little buckles.  The only trouble is you need help getting them on and off.   Real pain in the ass.

I read your eulogy you wrote at your (so called) memorial.  I found it on your computer.  You said not to cry, not to mourn, not to say "Goodbye."  You said for us to say, "See you later."  There is one major flaw in that my darling brother!  Later, is far too long!  Later, may never come!  Not until we... you know the big D word.  What if I don't want to wait?  What if I want to see you now!  What if I want to hear your voice, your laughter and feel your great big ole bear hugs?  What if.......

Here it is October, the leaves have begun to turn, the air is chilly and sunsets a bit more dramatic.  Fall is my favorite time of year.  Yet the sadness is so great I can't enjoy it this year.  I thought that once we scattered my brother in the Mississippi I would feel some sort of closure.  For a time I think I did.  Now we are coming up on his Birthday and the Holidays and all I want to do is crawl into a whole and never come out again.  Why can't I get past this?  Why can't I enjoy life again?  Why is the pain so acute?  God, Why haven't You picked Your child up to comfort her?  Where are You in midst of my deepest darkest hours?  How will I ever get through the one year mark of your passing Pete?  The thought of it brings on a wave of fear and sadness that in some ways is worse than when it first happened.

I love you Dodo

Harley arrived on Sunday the 10th of September 2017.  I had such high expectations.  Silly me.  I was missing Jazzy and missing my brother and I just thought if I could fill part of the gigantic hole in my heart it would help.  WRONG!  Harley for what ever reason has bonded with Brian.  And I don't mean a little bit either.  I mean full blown wolf bonded with him.  There are times Harley won't even let me pick him up.  How's that for kick in the gut?  It's as if God is still punishing me or still allowing all the ugliness of pain and sorrow to continue in my life.  OK, so be it.  Grief is not done with me yet.....  Ok, I get it.  Granted we are only on day 3.  Perhaps after some time Harley will bond a little with me.  Only time will tell.  But my experience with dogs and poodles especially is once the bond is made, not much can break it.  It's nice to see Brian show so much compassion to wee pup.

August 22, 2017.  Do you know what that means?  I'll tell you what that means!  Eight lousy months of hell.  I'm tired of counting, tired of  all the first's that you won't be there anymore.  This is so exhausting.  Yet I can't help myself.  There is this part of me that will not stop.  Has anyone else experienced this?? Anyone?  Oh right, no one reads these pathetic blogs.  Hell I don't blame you.  I wouldn't read them either.  I really wish someone would just listen to me.  Hear me.  Hear my heart scream bloody hell.  I feel like I am so very alone in this whole thing.  I don't want to bother anyone really.  I can't afford a shrink.  Which I am quite sure I need one.  You should hear some of the thoughts that go through my head....  I mean talk about nuts!!!!  But seriously...   WHEN DOES THIS ALL END!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You are the Vortex.....

It's another first without you here.  Today I turned 58 years old.  My phone will remain silent and my mailbox will have no card inside it.  I didn't think it would hit me so hard.  Yet, just what did I expect?  I love you so much Pete.  I can't seem to move on.   I'm still stuck.  Stuck in some sort of vortex.  I'm being whipped about as in a tornado and there is no saving me.  I hate this......  how do I get out of this....  how do let you go?  Do I want to let you go???  NO NO NO NO NO   I can't let you go.  Now I know..... You... are the Vortex.  You are the tornado.  And I refuse to let go of you.
Yes, you are my Knight!  My Protector, my spirit wolf.  You are the one I can always count on.  You are my steady, solid rock.  

I know y'all will never understand me.  That's ok.  I really don't expect you to.  What my brother and I  have is unusual.  It's a bond that most brother and sister never have.   So no, I don't expect y'all to understand.  But please, try to understand that it will take me a lot longer than just 8 months to get over 58 years of having my brother with me.

I love you William Henry

One Has to Start Somewhere

Hey Dodo,
 Having a bad day today.  Want to call you.  I know, I know...  You won't be on the other end.  You never are these days.  I wanted to tell you that I cut my hair in tradition with Native American ways when a loved one dies.  Only took me 8 months to do it.  From here I will let it grow back out.
I miss talking to you about our native ways.  Hell, I just miss you!!  Everyday seems to have a life of it's own. For instance, one day I might be completely fine.  You're in my thoughts but I'm handling it ok.  The next day I'm nothing but a puddle.  I can't concentrate on anything, or even focus.  Then there will be times when I am so mad at you because you haven't contacted me yet.  You have been to everyone except me.  I know I have disappointed you.  I don't how to fix it.  I have told you so many times how sorry I am.  But it seems to be of no avail.  How much more do you want me to suffer Pete?  How far down shall I go?  This is tearing me apart.   I can't talk to anyone about it because they would think I was off my rocker.  Maybe I am.  Thing is, I know better.  Both Daddy and Mom came to me.  They both told me they loved me and that everything was alright.  Why won't you come to me??  WHY?  See I think I know the answer to that.  You are angry with me for telling Tony you had passed.  Perhaps things wouldn't have turned out the way they had.  Perhaps Lil' Bill would have told him and still would have turned out the exact same way.  We just don't know.  The point is I told him. After you told me not to.
Everyone is telling me, No no no he's not mad you!  He could never be mad at you!  Thing is, I know better.  I know you like no one else does.  I know you can be mad at me and chances are you just very well may be mad at me.  I betrayed your trust.  It's just that simple.
So this is my formal apology.  Pete, I did you wrong.  I told your son you had passed when you had asked me not to.  I am so very very sorry!!!  Then I dropped the ball regarding the memorial.  I thought Delores was going to do what she said she would do.  Instead she did nothing therefor the memorial was a disaster.  Again I am so very very sorry.  Yolanda was right.  She should have been your person.  Things would have been different.  She told me that while I was down there when we spread your ashes.  So basically my beloved brother I am a complete and utter F*** up.  I am so very sorry Dodo.  I will probably never forgive myself for not getting this one very important thing right.

The love I have for you Pete will always continue in my heart and my soul.  You were always there for me.  This one time you needed me to be there for you, I wasn't.  I had prayed so much for some sort comfort and peace.  I had hoped beyond hope that when we spread your ashes I would find that peace.  So far I have not.

They say that there is a thin line between love and hate.  I don't know about that.  Love is beautiful and pure and most of the time  innocent.  While hate is ugly and full of darkness and twisted up with pure treachery.  So I don't see a thin line, I see the Grand Canyon.  I see me on one side and you on the other side and I'm screaming my head off trying desperately for you to hear me, but you don't.  Or maybe you do and and you just don't want to answer.  Right about now some who are reading this are thinking wow she really loves her brother and he must be on the hate side.  You would be wrong.  My brother is on the side of love, because I do know he loves me.  Me? There is this huge gulf between us.  See the Grand Canyon has these "arms" if you will, that stretch out from the main canyon.  And that is where I am.  Still on the love side....  just on the other side of one of these long, wide arms.  Still screaming for my brother to hear me.  There is one little problem here...  The gunk at the bottom of the canyon on the hate side has a nasty habit of flowing over to the other side.  To the love side where I am trying to get my brother to hear me.  So This gunk is on me.  All the bad, all the mistakes and the betrayal of trust.  Yup, that's on me.  So, here I am trying desperately to get this crap off of me and it is sticking like glue.  I have done every thing I know to get this crap off of me.  Everything except hand it over to the L~rd.  I am terrified of handing it over to the L~rd.  I'm afraid if I do that then I won't ever get my brother back.  Silly, right?  I have to let go at some point.  Perhaps he never will come to me.  Perhaps he will always be mad at me or perhaps he isn't mad at me at all....  I don't have those answers.  But I do have a G~d who loves me and that I know for sure.  Does this mean I have given it all to the L~rd?  Probably not.  It is a slow process.  But one has to start somewhere.

It's a hot muggy day!

You weigh  heaven on my mind.  I don't know why.  But here you are.  Pete, are you at peace?  Are you with Mom and Daddy?  Where are you?  Still you have not come to see me.  Okay, I will do my best to just accept the fact that you may never come to see me.  Though you have gone to see everyone else.  I guess I'm a bit mad at you right about now.  Sure could use your calming voice right now.  But you seem to be silent when it comes to me.   Did I not try to do the best I could?  Yeah I know I screwed up where Tony is concerned.  I'm sorry.  I just felt he should know.  That kinda blew up in my face didn't it?  Tell me Pete, how could I have know that that would have happened?  Lil' Bill wanting to sleep with and then wanting to take you to St. Joe.  The kid isn't right in the head and I know Tony had a part in it all.  He thinks I don't see through him, I do see through him.  There is nothing wrong with my vision or my insight.  When I turn "it" on, I can see pretty well....  Without you, I guess I have to learn to do things another way.

The day is hot and muggy.  We just had a 3 day stretch of 100+ temps.

"At the moment, Portland's Air Quality Index is worse than both Los Angeles and Beijing due to the people moving here from California.
(Ahem) from wildfires in British Columbia. "   Author unknown


  
Try breathing in that soup mix!!  In fact, try breathing at all when you have lost the one person in your life who grew up with you, teased you, pulled pranks on you, loved you dearly, argued with you, tattled on you, loved you dearly, gave you rides on his motorcycle,  scared the hell out of you, loved you dearly, stuck up for you, protected you, loved you dearly, was always there for you no matter what, was your Knight in shinning armor, who loved you more than anything and would do anything for you.

You're Free Now Dodo...

I'm home now.  Last week was a whirlwind!  Got in on Sunday the 16th.  As soon as I got in, the heat and humidity hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was pretty bad, but I knew it was going to be like that.

We took the ferry across the mighty Mississippi on a hot sunny afternoon.  The ferry was loaded with people and we were at the bow of the boat.  Sylvia took a hand full of the grey powder ash and through it in the river. I think the wind had other ideas for that first hand full of my brother's ashes.  The wind caught them and blew them back towards us.  As if Pete were saying something like, "Here's looking at you kid."  or  "See you later"  He just had to go out like whirl wind!  We figured out quickly enough that we were not going to be able to throw hand full of ashes  so Paul took  those beautiful ashes of my brothers and got real low to the river and began to let them slide out slowly of temporary home and into their new mighty Mississippi River to ride the waves, to dance on the river,  most importantly to keep watch over fellow tug boat operators and keep them safe from harm.  I know he will be with two very important people,  His son Paul, he will always keep watch over him. I can just see him sitting with  you Paul in the pilot house on those long lonely nights.  Of this I have no doubt.  His little Miss Emily's future husband, Brennon, he will watch over you too.

Afterwards, we hit Bourbon St. in New Orleans!  This wonderful cafe called Music Legends Parks where all the greats once played!  It was magnificent!  Only wish we could have stayed longer.  Walking the streets of the French Quarter and seeing the architecture was amazing.  I only wish Dodo could have been there as well.

Well, Dodo you are now free no longer trapped in a box.  How does it feel to be free?  There are those day I wish I could be that free.  I think I would like to be scattered in the Mississippi right along with you.  Then we could help the tug boat operators and scare the hell out of the fisherman!!!   Muahahahahahahaha.......

Until next time...

Ashes

Hey Dodo,
So here I am writing to you again.  I'm headed back home again.  We're gonna spread your ashes in the Mississippi, this time with a whole lot less stress.  So why am I so stressed?  I quit my job of 7 1/2 + years and starting a new one when I get back.  Mmm, yeah that could cause a bit of stress.  New jobs, so much to learn...  We are spreading your ashes and I'm afraid the boys will show up and cause some trouble. Oh hell yeah, major stress there!!  My heart hurts Pete, psychically hurts.

Let's face it Dodo, I'm never going to get over the fact that you left me behind.  You weren't supposed to do that you know.  My big brother was supposed be around to protect me and guide me.  Because well you know your baby sister makes stupid decisions sometimes.   Where the hell are you Dodo!?  Tonight I need you.  Having panic attacks and I don't know why.  Why did God take  you so soon?
I have so much to tell you every day!  I just want to hear your voice.  I don't think I ever got the chance to tell you this, but your voice was my favorite sound in the world.  All I have left is a tiny sound bite.  I'll take it.  It's your voice....

Where is home now?

In just a few short days I will be boarding a plane to head home.  Well, to head to Louisiana.  I have been calling that home lately.  Even though I grew up mostly in KY.  Then TN became home because that is where Dodo was.  I loved TN.  It was a lot like KY yet it had it's own personality as well.  So where is home now?  For me I feel like home is where ever my family is.  So I guess home is now Louisiana.  I feel drawn back there.  I want to go home.  My heart wants to be near family.  Not just the living either.  Mama and Daddy are buried back there, all my Uncles and my one Aunt.  Friends who have past through the years and friends who are still alive back there.  My best friend lives in Slidle.

So anyway, I'm going back to spread my brother's ashes somewhere in the Mississippi River.  That was his request and that is what he will have.  I'm sorry Dodo for taking so long.  But you know me....  I am praying it will bring closure for me.  And while it may do that, I doubt seriously that this pain in my heart, this huge gaping hole will never heal.

I love you Dodo!

Love,
SN

Happy 4th of July Dodo

Hey Dodo,
Well, here we are at another 1st without you.  Do you remember in Aitchison how we used to have the garden hose ready all the time because lived right behind the high school and that's where they had the fireworks display.  The one year one landed on top of the roof and the firetruck had to come out!  I was laughing my ass off the whole time and Daddy was madder than a hornet.  Mom was just looking at the two of us, shaking her head.  Telling me to stop laughing or I was going to give our Dad a coronary.  I finally had to walk around the block cuz Mom would't let me back in the house.  Once the fire truck got there the ember had already burned out.  No harm done.  I started laughing again.  Boy did I get it later that night.  It's still pretty funny.  If I remember correctly, you were laughing pretty good yourself.  In fact you had some tears rolling down your face you were laugh so hard... how come you didn't catch hell?  Oh yeah, you were older than me and you always seemed to manage to get out of stuff.  That's ok Bro, I would love to hear that laugh again!!!

It won't be long now and I'll be down in Louisiana.  Hopefully to spread your ashes.  Hopefully to get some closure to all of this.  Where I need the closure the most I'm afraid isn't with you.  It's more with myself, forgiving myself and forgiving Tony and Bill.  Here's the thing Dodo, I'm not sure I will ever forgive those boys for what they did.  They broke my heart.  They may as well ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it and then set it on fire for good measure.  How could they steal you away from me?  And then turn Tracy against me.  I should have listened to you Dodo!  I should have left Tony out of all of this.  I though I was doing the right thing.  But I see now I was wrong.  I am so very sorry Dodo!!  I hope and pray you can forgive me!

Until next time my Spirit Wolf, my Dodo,
I love you always,
SN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now it is the 6th of July 2017.  Didn't get this published due to high level of anxiety.  I am not sure where they are coming from but I seem to be in a solid state of anxiety. I really wish someone would help me. I don't know who to turn to or where to go. 
Dodo, this is your SN signing off.  I love you with every once of my being.

Reunion

Hey Dodo,

I'm about to start a new job and I wanted to pick up the phone last night and tell you the news.  I know you probably would have sighed a huge sigh of relief.  This place has gotten so bad in the last few months Dodo.  It is unbelievable.  Last night this chick walks in and starts yelling at Anna & I (you remember Anna, right?  Long black hair, real pretty) anyway, she is yelling at the top of her lungs about what happened to our LPM.  I got the feeling she was accusing us as well.  She was so rude, I seriously had to refrain from punching her lights out.  I am quite sure she could have beat the crap out me, but hey I would have given her a run for her money!  You did teach me well after all! ;)

Pete, it's been so hard without you.  I have no one to turn to. No one knows how to handle me.  To tell me "it'll be ok"  or  "I understand"  or  "Talk to me kid. I'm here for you"  or  "Put your big girl boots on and pull them up"  or one of my favorites  "get your head outa your ass and think"  or just to say, "I love you snot nose!"  Those words are the ones I miss the most.   Damn it Pete a part me wishes that you would have fought a little harder.  I know how incredibly selfish that sounds. but, I miss you so very very much brother wolf.  I would never ask you come back and suffer.  I wouldn't mind coming to you!  I would have everything actually.  You, Mom, Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa Jeffries and Grandpa Atherton and of course my Jazzy.  Yeah I wouldn't mind coming to all y'all!!!  I can see you and Grandpa Atherton going out fishing every day.  Take Jazzy with you, he would love it!  Mom would love Jazzy too.  Yeah, that sounds heavenly to me.  Some day Dodo.  For now, I have my memories, pictures and my love for all y'all.  Tell Mom & Daddy how very much I love them and give my Jazzy a squish and a kiss.  Tell him how much his mommy loves him.

Gotta go Dodo.  Y'all take care and we'll be talkin' to ya!  Love ya Dodo
Love,
SN

Six months... Still it seems like yesterday

Hey Dodo,
It's been 6 months since the day that I am quite sure I will never ever forget.  I have to get through this day.  I don't know how to get through this day Dodo!  Please tell me how.  Tell me what to do!
Oh what I would give to hear my favorite sound in the world... your voice.  It has been forever silenced.  How could God be so cruel?  He took you and then He took my Jazzy.   My heart has been destroyed.  So many pieces lay on the floor of my heart and no is there to help me pick them up, so I just lay there among the scattered memories and the desperation and all the love I have for you.  I miss you so very much Dodo.  It seems impossible to go on without you.

Drowning in Sorrow....

I made it through Mom's birthday and the 13th anniversary of her passing, barely.   Tears were shed, more tears fell, until I thought no more could possible fall.  I was wrong.  They still continue today.  Tears, these little drops of one's agony, sorrow and hopelessness... do they ever stop falling?  Does the grief ever go away???  I need to feel alive again.  I need to laugh and to enjoy life again.  All I can do is sleep and go to work.  What's the use of going on if I can no longer find my joy?  I am so very tired!  Bone weary!  There has been too much death since December 2016.  A total of 8 deaths since then.  Two of which ripped my heart out...  my best friend and protector, my Knight in Shinning Armor, my brother, Dodo & my beloved Jazzy.  

Seriously, how much more???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Happy Birthday Mom!

Hey Mom,
Thirteen years...  can it really be that many years ago?  I remember it well.  It was like 2 in the morning when Pete called.  All I could say was, "Your joking right? This can't be right!"  Over and over.  He kept telling me it was no joke.  I just couldn't accept the fact you were gone and now 13 years later it hurts just as much.  This month will be so hard to get through.  But I will hold my head up high like I do every year and somehow I will make this year without Pete.  He was always my rock! I know y'all are together now.  That gives me some measure of comfort.  I can't wait to join y'all.

I love you Mom and miss so very very much!  You will always be on mind and forever in my heart!!

Another 22nd....

May 22, 2017

Yup, it's another 22nd.  Five months now.  Still the heart seeks you.  It still does not understand why you have left.  Why it must go on without you.  Why it can no longer hear your voice or see your handsome, rugged and trusting face.

I thought it was supposed to get easier or somehow better as time went on, but it doesn't.  My heart is still broken.  Bruised, bleeding, torn and ripped to shreds.   It really wants to just stop beating.  I'm trying desperately to hang on.  Hang on to something.  I don't know if I can hang on much longer.  My fingers are starting to hurt and there is no rope and no one to help pull me up.  Do I let go?  Or, do I hang on until my fingers are bloody and torn?  Hang on! Because it would be what Dodo would want.  Yeah, he would want life for me.  He would want me to hang on.  The problem is I don't want to live anymore.  I am so tired.  Tired of hurting so much.  So much of him is here and yet he isn't.  I have pictures, and little trinkets, but I would give up all of that and so much more just to have him back again.  Selfish???   YES!!!!  Yes, I'm selfish.  I'm sorry.  I am Selfish.  I miss him so very very much.

I cannot tell you how many prayers I have uttered.  How many tearful pleas and bargains I tried to make with God the night when I got the first phone call that he was in the hospital.  I heard nothing.  God was silent that night.  There was no comfort from no one.....  I couldn't believe my ears when the final call came in at 2:50am.  It can't be.  He's not gone.  He's just asleep.  Perhaps in another coma.  But please don't tell me he's gone.  I could not wrap my brain around that!!  It just can't be.  But it was true.  God, where are You????   For the longest time I kept saying, "I'm not angry."  I wasn't.  At least I didn't think I was.  After hearing the song below I realized it was God that I am angry with.  God has taken so much from me.  Let me rephrase that, He has allowed things to be taken from me.  first my health, then my photography, my livelihood, my Uncle, Dodo, Jazz, a friend with stage 3 cancer, another friend fighting cancer, the list continues to grow.....  how much more can one person take?  I don't want to know.   In the song below at the end things are reconciled and they see that God was the carrying them all along.  I have not made it to the end yet in my journey.  I have not made it out of the wilderness yet.  I am still in the darkness.  My demons still torment me.

                                                       "Where Were You"

Calling and calling, nobody home
It feels like I'm falling alone
Out on an Island, there's a voice on the beach
Watching your plane pass over me

How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
I thought you'd be there!

Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue
Where were you?

One set of footprints, on the path I'd been on
But you say you've been here all along, oh
If you really loved me, like nobody else
Why was I walking through hell

How could you miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought you were listening
Oh, I thought you'd be there!

Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were you?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were you?
I thought you'd come to my rescue

When my prayers bounced off the ceiling
I was facing down my demons
When my legs gave up beneath me
And I fell into your arms

Where were you?
When I had no one to turn to
You carried me through
On your shoulders, black and blue
I never knew
The footprints in the sand were you
Were you

One set of footprints, on a path I'd been on
Now I know they were yours all along

Mother's Day Without You

Memory is a country
Where I go to see your face.
But where do I go when
I want to feel your embrace?
You left us here like a ship in
The harbor ready to set sail.
Longing just to be with you.
The time will come to cast off
From the shore of all our fears
And set sail into the wild blue
Wonder of Heaven...
And there you will be standing,
Ready to guide our ship in safely.
Your face I will touch and your
Embrace I will feel!
For you will be there
Guiding us safely through the
Wild blue wonder of Heaven...

Written for Mother by Deja Cairns
June 15, 2004



Marceline Naomi Atherton Altgilbers Jeffries would have been 92 on June 1, 2017.  She was 79 when she passed.  A strong, loving, kind and amazing mother.  I miss her so very much.  Today just seems extra hard with Pete being gone too.  We would have talked today.   He would have made it bearable.  We did that for each other.  We held each other up.  Made life bearable for each other.
Now life is just an existence at best.  I work, when my body lets me and I sleep.  Sometimes draw.  What more do I do???  Not much.  So what is the point?  There is not point.  None!

Your Voice...

Last night a guy pulled a knife on me.  My first thought was, "I need to call Dodo and tell him about this knucklehead."  We would have talked it out and then we would have laughed about how dumb he really was.  What do I do with all that I need to say??  There is so much I want to tell you everyday.  So much I need advise on.  I need you Dodo.  It breaks my heart, I write these blogs and letters to you and I know you won't answer.   I would give anything just to talk to you!!!  But once again I am reminded that I will never ever hear your voice again....  Damn it Dodo I need to hear your voice again!!!!!!!!!!!

Suffering Alone

I find that it is just easier to keep my thoughts and sorrow to myself.  I mean, who cares anyway?  Right?  They have to be getting sick and tired of hearing the same thing over an over again.  I know I do.  I'm tired of being stuck in this dark spot.  It's as if the thorns of a bush have reached out and grabbed me and won't let me go.  The more I struggle, the deeper the thorns dig into my skin.  So I stop struggling.  I stop caring.  Stop feeling.  Because if I feel I may struggle and then the thorns will only go in further and cause more pain.

Jazzy has been gone for 2 months now as of the 1st.  When I open the door I can still see his little face peeking over the couch.  Oh man I miss him so very much.  There are times I can feel him lying down next to me.  Or I'll be in the bath room and I swear I hear him scratching at the door wanting in.  But I know he's not there.  How weird is that?  Maybe he's still around.  Following me around the house, letting me know he's still here with me.

Pete has been gone just little over 4 months now.  Seems like it was just yesterday and at times it seems like a life time ago.  So very tired of people telling me to get over it already.  I want to put them in my shoes, in my body, let them feel what I feel....  all the emotions, all the hurt, both mentally and physically.  Then tell me to get over it already.  
Mother's Day is coming up....  oh goody!  Then June 1st, Mom's birthday and June 15th when she passed.  Once I get over these dates, I'll be good until November.  Pete's birthday and then Christmas....  Don't even wan't to think about Christmas anymore....  The joy of the holiday is forever tarnished.   And then we just start all over again with January and the Memorial....  yeah, that's my life now.  One heartache after another.  I will suffer alone.

4/22/17

The 22nd of any month will always be a date I will dread.  Just like the 15th, when Mom passed.  I just don't feel so acutely sad any longer.  I am still aware of the date and still think about her.  I just don't need to cry on that date every single month.  We are coming up on Mother's Day and Mom's birthday and shortly after that on the 15th of June it will be 13 years since she left us.  Well... me.

Well, here it is Monday the 24th.  Made it through the weekend with only crying on Saturday night mostly.  Some on Sunday.  Progress?  Maybe.  Or, more than likely I am learning how to stuff my feelings.  Getting pretty good at it too.  Try to do it at work.  I am just really tired of feeling the way I do.

Dodo, where are you?  Why are you gone?  You were my protector.  My Knight, My big brother,  my brother wolf, my Dodo,  My Sanctuary....


Sanctuary

Turn the light off, go to bed
Tell me all about the day you had
Lay beside me, it's time to rest
You can close your eyes, you've done your best

Let me be your sanctuary
Let me be your safe place to fall
I can take away your worries
The refuge from it all

All this time
We have together
Is our shelter from the rain
I will share the weight you carry
Let me be your sanctuary

We have weathered through the storms
Taking comfort in each other's arms
When the dark clouds come again
I will lift you up and take you in

Let me be your sanctuary
Let me be your safe place to fall
I can take away your worries
The refuge from it all

All this time
We have together
Is our shelter from the rain
I will share the weight you carry
Let me be your sanctuary

I will share this weight you carry
Let me be your sanctuary

From the TV show Nashville

Searching?

Lately I've been wanting to talk you.  I have listened to your voice mail message unable to leave a message because it's just a recording of your message.  But I have your voice.  Did you know that your voice is my favorite sound in the world?  IT IS!  And I miss it so very much!  Dodo, I miss you so much it hurts every fiber of my being.  I try to drown out the loudest of the hurt with music and tv, but we both know that doesn't really work.  To top it off we are coming up on Mother's Day and Mom's birthday.  Two of the hardest days of the year for me.  I always called you on those days, it made it a little bit easier to handle.  You are my rock, my anchor, what do I do now?  How do I get through these days without you?  I don't know how!!!!!!  It hurts so much these days I feel I can't go on.  What's the point?  I get up, go to work only to be abused by the homeless tweakers and sometimes management.  I come home, go to bed only to get up and do it all again.  Oh and lets not forget the pain I endure daily.  So, again I say, What's the point?!  I'm so tired Dodo!  So ready to get off this rock.

I look at all your pictures as I edit them and get them ready for the kids.  But I wonder will they like them?  Will they appreciate them and all the long hours and hard work I have put into this project?  It doesn't matter really.  All I want to do is give them a part of you.  I wonder Dodo did they know you like I knew you?  Did they know the funny side of you?  The happy go lucky side?  OR the protective side that said if you mess with my little sister there will be consequences!  Like the time when Charles wouldn't leave me alone and even went so far as to run Mom & I off the road.   Man o man, that was all she wrote!  I never saw him again after that!  I know you and the "brothers" took care of things.  Always wondered what happened to Charles.  No matter.  Point is you always took care of me.  Did they know that about you?  Did they know the playful side of you?  Or the side that would sit for hours on end listening to your troubles and then give you sound advise.
You wore many hats Pete.  Even in the reality of your own mortality you still protected us.  You didn't want us to know, you knew how much it would hurt us.  How much it would worry us.   My protector to the very end.

The ache of missing you at times is too much to bare.  I know I should let you go.  But I can't.  I know I should say goodbye.  But I will not ever say goodbye!  I will always hold you near and dear to my heart. I will never ever let you go!!!!!!!  NEVER!  I guess my friends will either have to accept that or not.  How can I let the only person who ever understood me and loved me, go?  I cannot!  It would be like asking me to stop breathing.  Or asking the sun to stop rising.  Perhaps I will forever stay in my grief.  I don't care.  All I know is I can't move forward.  I just can't.  In this darkness, this wilderness I shall wander  with you in my heart and soul.  One day I just may find my way out.  Perhaps we are searching for something together.  Until we find what we are searching for I will stay with you.  I love you my Knight, my protector, my Spirit wolf, my Dodo.

Through the Years

As I sit here scanning in picture after picture of you I think to myself, "Did you ever get sick of Grandma always having a camera in your face?"  
There is a little blonde girl that keeps showing up, I have to wonder if it is one of your other sisters from your papa's first marriage?  I have so many questions to ask you regarding so many of these pictures.  Some of the places I recognize.   Of course the Grandparent's house on Riley.  But even some of the other places there in Aitchison.   The huge Catholic Church up on the hill.  The one in your book.
I think I might try to find some photo albums to put all these pictures in to protect them.  They will go to Yolanda.  I know she will take care of them.  That is one reason I gave her the 38 and Grandpa's desk for Miss Emily.  I knew they would be well cared for and the desk would be loved.  I hope and pray they can get back up to Dyersburg to get the rest of the furniture.
You know when I got down there in January for your memorial.  The first thing I did at 2am was I sat down at the desk.  I just sat there.  I couldn't move.  I ran my hands over the top of the dest.  I opened the drawers, which were all ready empty.  I thought how sad that they were already empty.  I feel like she just wanted you out of there completely as fast as she could get you out.  I was angry and hurt and I wanted to scream at her and ask her how could she be so cruel?  
Then I opened up your computer thinking I would have to find the passwords, but they had already done that too.  Anger really rose up then.  But what could I do?  I had to stay until the following Friday.  I had to make nice until this was all over.    I started searching your files.  I wanted to find all your writings to preserve them.   I went deep into your files.  I'm not sure they got in this deep, but I found a letter.  A letter not really addressed to anyone.  But you had a lot to say.  Mostly about her.  It was after she made you give Charlie up.  In my heart I believe that was when you gave up.  You didn't want to live the way you were.  I wish I had that letter.  I put it on the Darth thumb drive that fell out of the box that she sent to me when the side of it split open in route to me.  It revealed so much.
I'm so sorry Pete.  So sorry you had to endure so much pain first at the hands of Tony and then at her hands.  I should have been there for you.  How many times have you been there for me?  When you needed me the most.... where was I?  Way up here in Bumf@ckeygpt that's where.  I'm so sorry!!!

My desk is surrounded by pictures of you and Mother.  I look at them and have so many fond memories.  And so many regrets.  Ain't that the way life is though?  Wishing you could go back and ask just a few more questions.  Or, say I love you just one more time.  Or, apologize for that fight mom and I had over .....  what?  I can't even remember anymore what it was about.  I only remember it was bad.  You ask God to please tell Mom I'm sorry and I love her.  But does He?  Does He tell you how much I miss you and love you?    Just in case....  I do, you know.  Love you and miss you.  You know what I miss the most?  Your voice!  Your voice was my favorite sound in the world.   I could come from work and call you up after a really hard day and the sound of voice was all it took to calm me down.  It's that low soft southern drawl.  Then there were times you sounded just like Wolfman Jack.  I loved that sound too.  Before your phone was discontinued I recorded your phone message on my iPod.  I play it every now and then, just so I can hear your voice.

I've decided to write about you.  I'm gathering stories about you.  Like how you and Sylvia met.  What a hoot!  You waiting a whole month for her to return.  Smart man!  And yes, I'm even writing about all the times you tortured me with tales of Martians and Giants and scratching on my screen.  How about the time you hid under my bed and when I got up you grabbed my ankle.  I think I might have peed my pants on that one.   I wouldn't change a thing!  Not one thing, except I would have spent more time with you.  Listen more closely to what you had to say.  Cherished every single moment and commented them to memory.   You left too soon Dodo.  Way too soon!!

So here I sit scanning in pictures of you through the years......  
I love you Dodo!

Who or what am I pissed at?

What?  Who?  Don't know, I am just pissed!   The tears that fall are not warm and comforting anymore.  They sting and they burn.

In my minds eye I can see you laying there on that hospital bed.  Tubes hooked up to your body. IV's running in your veins.  Yet the Doctors are saying there is nothing that can be done.  Your organs are shutting down.  Or that is what I was told when the call came in at 2:00am on 22nd of December, 2016.  She said she would keep me up to date and let me know what the Doctors said.   I prayed!  Oh Pete I prayed for a miracle.  A miracle that never came.  I walked around  this tiny apartment of ours trying to figure out a way to get to you.  I wanted to talk to you. To tell you I loved you.  To tell you I understood and that it was OK to let go.  I knew you were in pain.  We talked so much about it so often.  Then THE call came in at 2:50am, you were gone, she said.  Gone. Such a polite way to say that someone is dead.  Sounds so much better.  Like maybe it might not be real somehow.  But it was Real!  All to real!!!!!  In just a flash, a split second, a moments notice, you were gone.  Dead.  Out of my sight forever. Here's the kicker, you knew you were dying.  Weeks before, you knew.  You asked Red (your best friend) to talk at your Memorial.  You knew.  Why didn't you tell me?  We told each other nearly everything.   Why Pete?  I know you loved me, did not want to worry me.  But, this?  Seriously?!  You could have told me this.  

I am not pissed at you.  I love you too much to be pissed at you.  I'm pissed at the whole damn thing.  You dying, the memorial not going like it should have because she didn't get the word out like she promised.  She didn't even coordinate with Red on the time or anything.  Then Tony and Bill.  I don't think I can ever forgive them for what they did.  They stole you from me!  How could they do that?!  Who in their right mind does That?  My heart hurts over this.  I just don't know what to do. Where to go, who to turn to.  Yes, I'm aware of the fact that I'm only hurting myself.  Perhaps that is my punishment for allowing them to steal you and not listening to you in the first place.  I should never have called Tony like you told me to.  I am so sorry Dodo.  Please forgive me.
Who am I pissed at?  It's me.  I'm pissed at me.

The One That Didn't Get Away!

Hey Dodo,
 So I had to testify in front of a Grand Jury the other day.  Some knuckle head (as you like to call them) was trying to steal a coat and some beer.  Of course I tried to stop him and he just kept on going.  SGT Padlia went after him.  That's when it got ugly.  The idiot (as I like to call them) was going to punch the SGT.  I was like oh holy hell.  So I watched the whole thing go down and how the SGT followed him from a safe distance and how the idiot kept turning around and acting all tough like he was going to fight the SGT.  Once they were off property though I couldn't follow any longer. But that was ok cuz like 3 or 4 cop cars came screaming past me....   I thought, "Oh yeah, he's going down!!!"  And he did.  Score one for the good guys!!
Awe Pete, you would have loved this one!  It was a great story.  More to it than I put here, but you know...  When I was asked to testify I told the DA I sure would. I would do anything for our boys in blue!
I kinda feel like it honors you in a way.  You were a GOOD police officer Pete!!!  Red told me the kids still ask for you.  They want to know where Officer Gator is.  How sweet is that ?

Life is so cruel and death, well death is just one of those words that doesn't exist.  It's a pain that rips at the very fabric of your soul.  My soul has been ripped into a million pieces and It's so broken I'm not sure it will ever be the same until the day I stand before my maker and He touches me and makes me whole again.  After He does that there are 2 people I want to see right away!  You and Mom.  Of course Daddy.  But with caution.   It will be so great to see you and Mom again!!!  Oh man I have missed Mom so much!!!  And now you!  Yeah, my heart is lonely.
I gotta go Dodo...  I love you so much and miss you beyond words.  Behave yourself up there.  And be nice to the Angles.  Don't scare them too much!!!!!  ;)

Love ya so much,
SN

The 22nd...... AGAIN

Hello Dodo,
And here it is again.  Another 22nd.  That makes 3 of them since you left.  I know it's not your fault.  I'm not mad at you.  I do understand.  If truth be told I think I may be jealous.  I'm still stuck on this horrible rock that keeps spinning around and around.  The sun keeps coming up every single morning and setting every single night.  Quite annoying actually.  Especially when all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up again.   But the cosmos has other plans.  Actually G~d must have other plans.  Though I can't imagine what.  My heart is so cold and bitter.  Talk about an ice Queen!  Yeah you would be looking at her, that is if you were still here.  

I know you must be angry with me Pete. I don't know how to make it up to you.  If I had listened to you, none of this would have happened.  I get that now.  But I didn't.  I called Tony and told him you were gone.  I honestly was just trying to do the right thing.  I know now the right thing would have been to follow your wishes.  I am soooooo sorry Dodo!!!!  Please forgive me.  Please tell me everything will be ok.  I really need to hear those words from you.  I need you to tell me it will be ok kid.  How do I get past this?  How do I move on?  I guess I never will.  Because I'll never hear those words from you, ever!  That is why this is sooooo very hard on me.  This is why I cannot move on.  Why I can't let go.
So the tears will continue to fall.  The heart will continue to ache and my soul will forever be lost.  It will forever search for yours.   I love and miss you beyond words Dodo, my Knight, my protector!

Hello Darkness my Old Friend

So you decided to pay me visit today.  Thought you might have given up on me and moved on.  I see now that is not the case.  You were just been laying dormant for a short spell. Resting and gathering up your strength.  Waiting until my thoughts went wondering to my brother and Jazzy.  Which they have....  you and I both know what this week is. Wednesday is the 22nd.  And you won't let me forget it will you?  Three months.  Three long agonizing months since Dodo left me.  I don't blame him.  He was in so much pain.  Part of grieving is I'm supposed to get angry....  I can't  get angry at Dodo.  I love him too much and I know how much he was suffering.  How can I possibly be mad at him.  There is anger, just not at him.  Mostly at myself.  Angry at how I should have handled things better at the memorial and setting it up.  I should have listened to Dodo and not told his son he had passed.  We would not have had the drama we had if only I had listened to him in the first place.  So that's on me,  I'm afraid Dodo is disappointed in me.  I feel like I have let him down.  I'm so sorry Dodo!!!  So very very sorry!!!
So darkness, now you delight also in my anguish of losing Jazzy too.  On Wednesday that too will hold yet another sad memory.  It will be week 3 since he left us.   Darkness you know how much I am missing my Jazzy.  How much I miss his sweet little paws tapping me on my leg wanting up or tapping the chair wanting up in the chair with me.  There isn't one single time I come through the door that I don't wish I could see him all excited and doing his little dance and talking up a storm until I pick him up and love on him.  Yeah it's that bad.  Enjoy that do you?  Darkness, you & I have been pals for quite some time now.  You have been there in my mind and in my heart ever since I can remember.  You were there when David was being mean.  You were there when my first husband was being mean.  And you are still here.....  You sneak in like a lioness on the hunt.  You're using me to feed your own ego and dark twisty desires.  Oh I fight you.  I fight you with all my might and most of the time I lose.  But when I win, it feels so good.  Will I win today?  I don't know.  All I know is you have crept in and now I must deal with you.  And deal with you I will....   With prayer and the knowledge that Christ is my champion!  Good luck darkness.

Jazzy

When I first got the call from the breeder that she had a eight month old toy poodle who had been horribly abused and needed a forever home, I was a bit reluctant to say the least.   My Doctor told me I needed a dog for a companion, so I went over to meet the little guy.

At first he didn't want to come to me.  So I sat down on the floor and played with the other dogs and talked softly with the breeder and the other dogs.  Slowly he came over and sniffed me and backed up.  He sat down and just looked at me.  So I began talking to him.  I told him I was sorry  he had been mistreated and that no one should abused him like that.  I told him if he want to come over and say hi I would be gentle and just love on him for a little while.  But it would be up to him if he wanted to come or not.  Eventually he did just that.  He came up to me and tapped my knee with his tiny paw and I just laid my hand next to his paw.  He sniffed and then gave my hand a very delicate kiss.  So  I reached over to pet his paw and that was ok.  I tried to reach over his head and he duck as if I were going to hit him.  I cooed at him and told him it was ok, I would never hit him.  After a few minutes he crawled up into my lap and went to sleep.  And I brought him home.  I took him to the Vet to make sure he was ok physically.  The Vet asked me how old he was and I told her 8 months.  She said that he was more like 4 - 5 years old.  Then she asked me if I still wanted him.  My reply was swift and absolute!  Of course I wanted him!!!!

I was a long rough road at first.  You couldn't move very fast or raise a paper or book without him running away to hide.  You couldn't raise your voice...  Even now or till the end you couldn't raise your voice.  It would upset him greatly.  But with lots of love and understanding Jazzy came out of his shell and he gave us so much love in return.  

I still miss coming home at night after work to his crazy jumping up and down and talking until I picked him up and loved on him.  Then  it was a walk and feeding time.  Then some much needed cuddle time.  That's what I miss the most... the cuddle time.  

Don't Like Where This is Headed....

Hey Dodo,
So I'm addressing to you...  silly?  Perhaps.  But you see I'm just a little upset with you.  I think this could have been advoidable.  If you had just gone to the Doctor when I had asked you to go, they might have caught whatever was going on in time to at least save your life.  But you my darling brother are a most stubborn man.  Even you picture above my desk says, "Just try to get me to do anything!"  It's that,"I'm set in my ways so just leave me alone." look.   Yeah, I get it Dodo.  I get it better than most.  I get the pain, and the frustration of not be able to do much.  You were always a fighter, strong and fierce!  You should still be here with me.  Yes I am being selfish.  I miss you!!!!!!  I can hardly breathe at times I miss you so much!  
Want to know what the kicker is.......  We had to put Jazzy down.  You see, when you left me, he was all I had to comfort me.  We would cuddle up in the chair after Bri went to bed.  I would cry and he just laid on my lap and sometimes he would lick the tears away as if to say, it's ok mommy, I'm here and I love you.  The last time he laid in my lap he went to sleep for the last time.  Dodo, it ripped my heart out!!!!!  My baby boy, my fur face,  not him too.  How much can one heart stand to lose?
So now I'm terrified that I'm going to find Bri dead some day.  Wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake?  Don't think I can handle much more.  I'm trying real hard to hang on Dodo.  My heart has broken into so many pieces...  so many pieces.  I never thought one could die from a lonely broken heart.....  perhaps I was wrong.

I'm stuck

If someone had told me that the last 4 months of my life would be the worst I have yet to go through, I probably would have thought they were crazy!  Yet here I am wishing I could be anywhere but here.   Feeling lost.  Knowing I should be well on my way to be over this.   But I'm not.  The wounds are raw, they bleed still.  Sometimes they bleed profusely.  It's an agony I have never felt. 

So tell me, please for the love of all that is holy, how do I "get over" This?  How do I get over the loss of an Uncle, my beloved Dodo and my 4 legged baby boy?!  Because I'm stuck.....  I need help....Jesus I need Help!

One More Thing....

There is a song called "Lonely Enough" goes something like this....

"It's been a long time since I prayed
Let the words fall where they may
Forgive me now for what I'm about say
Tired of being on my knees
Sick of begging you please
Since the day you took him away from me

God, now how much more do I have to hurt?
How far down do you wanna see me go, tell me
God, you don't know the sadness of this place
You've got the angels and the saints....."

It goes on from there, but you get the idea....  Well now it seems as though I have to give up one more thing...  Jazzy is really suffering and I need to let him go.  I can't be selfish and allow him to suffer.  It just wouldn't be right.  Yet there are those who seem to thing it's too painful to do it.  So, guess where it lands.  Yup, right square in my lap.  As if I haven't lost enough.  The bitterness is building and I'm not sure how much more I can take.  Want to talk dark and twisty?  Want to talk depressed?  Want to talk being pissed?  You say you love me and yet your actions could fill a thousand books in a thousand libraries, your lack of compassion could fill a million rivers.  

You don't like my music, you don't like what I watch on TV.  I don't read the Bible enough for you.  I don't go to church....  You on the other hand always have your ear buds in listening to a lecture or listening to the Bible.  You are always reading the Bible.  Always at church.  I can be sobbing, my heart breaking into a million pieces right in front of you and you don't see it.  Yet, a female friend of yours on FB....  now, her you see.  Her you hear.  Her you show compassion to.  You know what?  I'm not even jealous...  I don't have the energy to be jealous.  You see jealousy requires a certain amount of love or care on my part.  I'm past that.  You killed me completely without regard the night Pete passed.  You had the perfect opportunity to show me your love.  All you had to do was put your arms around me and allow me to cry.  Instead you said, "Oh, how sad." then turned and went back to bed.  I stood in our very tiny kitchen and at that moment felt so insignificant, I may as well have died with my brother.  At least then I wouldn't now be faced with yet another heart wrenching  decision.  One I have to make by myself.  Because you feel it is too painful to make or to help me with before you go to work.  Right! So go to work and I'll make the decision for us and prayerfully I'll make the right decision and you won't have to be bothered with it.  

Maybe I'll make a decision for myself as well.

Dear L~rd where does the pain end?  When does the pain end?  I hear so many clichés, so many platitudes.  "Time heals all wounds."  "In time, your pain will lessen."  "God never gives you more than you can handle."  Oh and then there are the Bible verses people like to hurl your way.  Like Jeremiah 29, "For I know the plans I have for you..."  "...Joy comes in the morning."  On and on it goes.  Joy?!  seriously?  Joy?!  There is no joy in my mornings.  Only, "Oh crap I woke up!"  Yeah, it's like that!  I finally fell off that cliff overlooking the Abyss.  It goes on and on and on.... forever....  free falling.  They say it's not the fall that hurts....

Complicated Grief Likely

Results of Your Grief Quiz You scored a total of  51 Complicated Grief Likely People who have scored similarly to you have often complained of complicated grief. Complicated grief is characterized by a preoocupation with thoughts of the deceased or lost loved one, searching and yearning for the deceased or lost loved one, disbelief about the death or loss, and having difficulty accepting the death or loss.  This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it may be beneficial for you to seek a professional consultation from a trained mental health professional in your community soon, especially if you find these symtpoms interfering your daily life or emotional well-being.

S C O R I N G   K E Y If you scored... You may have... 26 & up Complicated grief likely 23 - 25 Complicated grief possible 0 - 22 Complicated grief unlikely

Complicated Grief likely... They say I likely have this.  Sounds kinda scary.  But then my brother was  a complicated man.  I  think he liked it that way.  No one knew what he would do next.  Except I usually could figure him out.  Most of the time.  We may as well have been twins, the closeness we had and bond we embraced as siblings.  It was and still is precious.   So, it really is no wonder I have this Complicated Grief thingy.   

Valentine's Day. Once again it's another holiday without you. I think about you so much.

The kids went to Mardi Gras last night. They sent me pictures, this one picture was of you, they took you to Mardi Gras with them. I find that hysterical, I think you would've liked it actually.  

I have an appointment today. To see a person who will help me cope with losing you.   I hope she does magic because seems to me that's about all there is that  will help me cope with loosing you.  I hope she has patience with me. This could take a very long time.

 I wish you were here because I have other things I need to talk to you about, like my heart.  They tell me I have a heart murmur.  They want me to wear a heart monitor so they can tell what's going on with my heart. They may have to do the catherization. Won't that be fun. If you were still here I could talk to you about this because I know you've been through it to and you could help me go through it.  They also want me to do a sleep study test. The night without taking my drugs to help me sleep.  There will definitely be no sleep.  They want to know what I do and I can't sleep.  Well I draw, I listen to music, I Watch shows on my tablet, I used to call you, but you're not here anymore.  No wonder I can't sleep.  I kind of wish the bogeyman would scratch my screen or grab my ankle from under the bed or even laugh that evil laugh that he has.  Oh what I would give to hear your evil laugh again.
I love you Dodo!  

The Wilderness

I look around our tiny apartment and wonder if we will ever be able to afford a larger one.  But then does that matter?
I'm back at work and I watch all the shoplifting and drug deals and people getting in my face yelling and screaming about how life is so unfair.  They tell me how I am a racist for receipt checking them.  They pull knives on me and threaten me with hatchets.  They spit on me and stand way too close to me in their urine stained clothes.   I stare at them with a blank expression as if they aren't even there.  Because I don't want to believe humanity is so low and disgusting.  But then does that matter?  Does any of this matter anymore??  I am so very very tired.  Losing Dodo is almost more than I can handle right now.  I'm feeling so overwhelmed!  I have to pay for his cremation which is over $3000.00.  Bri  got a ticket which is over $200.  The truck needs tags, another $200.  And the list goes on and on and on......  I feel like I'm in some sort of vacuum.  A tornado and I'm being whipped around and around and I can't control it.  Noting to grasp onto.  No anchor.  My anchor is gone.  He left me in Dec.  The 22nd of Dec to be exact. Once in a while a thought would creep into my mind, it went like this,  "What would I do if Dodo were gone?  Well, it would be a very dark place.  A wilderness so dark you couldn't see 3 feet in front of you, and as you walk along you realized you were barefoot, and every step you took was agonizing because you were walking on sticks and branches with lots of little thorns sticking up.  But you knew if you stayed in one place something very bad would happen to you.  So keep walking.  No matter how much it hurts, keep walking.  Calling out his name, but there is never an answer.  So keep walking.   Don't stop, I know it hurts, but you have to keep walking.    The woods are getting more dense now and the thorns are now scratching your arms....  tangling in your hair...  They are wrapping their long thin wooden fingers around you trying to hold you back.  DODO  WHERE ARE YOU?!  I NEED YOU!!  No answer. And then.......... Run SN!  Run!!!!  I try to run, but I am so very tired Dodo.  You were always there to help me through the tough times.  You're not here and I'm lost and afraid.  I am consumed with fear and anguish, left alone and trembling in the dark scary wilderness and it has it's thorns deep in my flesh. I need you Dodo! I need you." Finally after hours of fighting and screaming out his name I just go limp.  There's no point in going on anymore.  He can't hear me!  HE's DEAD!!!  DEAD!!!  DEAD!!!  DEAD... DO YOU HEAR ME?  HE'S DEAD!!!  DODO IS GONE, FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!  It's final, there is no going back.  So, give it up.  accept your fate.
Please wake me up!  Tell me this has been a horrible dream and he's off writing another book.  Tell me there was no fight over his ashes, that his son's didn't kidnap him and hold him for ransom.  Tell me my heart isn't breaking and that I'll be ok, because if this is all true......  Sweet Jesus help me.

1/21/2017

The Memorial is over and I spent the week going through Pete's things. Hardest thing I have ever done. In some ways harder than when Mom passed. I didn't have to go through her things, we never did go through her things. We couldn't bring ourselves to do it. They just sat in storage.  

I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive Tony and Bill for what they did.  Taking their Dad's ashes as if he were some kind of object or prize.  I don't know how to reconcile this in my head let alone in my heart.  Pete would never have forgiven me if Little Bill had taken him to MO.  Tennessee and Louisiana were his happiest times.  He wanted to be near Sylvia...  Now he is, at least for a little while, until Paul goes out on the boat again. Soon Dodo, soon you'll be on your beloved Mississippi River.  

Please forgive me for all the drama and for messing this thing up so badly. I never meant for it to go so wrong. I should have listened to you and not told Tony. I'm so so sorry Dodo.   What a mess I have made. Please forgive me. 

I love you so very much and miss you beyond words.  I have cried here and there, but I don't think I have really cried over  this huge hole in my life where you were once this Brilliant light that shone like a beacon. Like the Lighthouse in the harbor shinning over the ocean for the ships to see, to safely guide the sailors back home to their loved ones.  You were my beacon Pete. My shining light, and now you're gone.  How do I move on?  I keep asking myself how did this happen, why so soon?  Could have been prevented somehow???  Why didn't you tell me?  You knew! You knew you were dying, you told Red, but you didn't tell me.  I think I understand why you didn't tell me.  You didn't want me to worry or to be sad...  Once again you were protecting me, just as you have all our lives.  

1/25/2016

I made it through the one month mark.  Not without it's moments of tears and fears of never being able to crawl out of this pit...  Right now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pull the cover up over my head and never ever come out again.  I'm tired.  Bone weary.  I wish I could be with my family in Louisiana.  To be able to grieve with them I think would help.

I wrote a letter to 'Lil Bill.  I can't believe what they did.  It was my fault Pete.  I should have listened to you.  But my heart got the best of me.  And they took you, held you hostage.  For what? A few trinkets?  It's just stuff!!!!!  The drama the heartache and the stress they caused is beyond me.  I'll never trust nor forgive them for this.  I know God says to forgive.  In time I will, but for now it is a cut so deep so brutal that only time and lots of it will heal.