How Can It Be?

January 8, 2018
How can it be 2018?  How can it be that you have been gone so long already?  How can it be we had so little time together?  I look   back at the time we had and I feel blessed.  I really do. But why did we allow ourselves to let life get in the way of us staying in touch??  But we did.... for several years we didn't stay in touch.  So much of your life I don't even know about.  I wish I did.  I wish we could back and have a do over.  Especially me.  Dodo, I totally blew my life.  If you had been there I know there would have been several occasions where you would have said, "Kid, get your head out of ass and act right!"  What I would give to hear those words again!!!

I look at pictures and try to bring up in my mind the day around them...  but nothing.  My mind is playing a mean evil trick on me Dodo.  You want to know what I remember?  I remember when Daddy died and how I couldn't be there.  I was there just 4 days before and couldn't make it back for the funeral.  Didn't have the money.  I remember when Mom passed.  You had a Memorial for her up in  Atchison 2 days after she passed and I couldn't make it that fast up there.  But I made it to the grave side funeral in Bardwell.  You were great, we held onto each other and never let go.  That was 2004 and we never stopped holding on to each other from that point on.  The time went to quickly...  you left me Pete.  You left and now I am so alone.  I have come to realize that grief is a long lonely road to travel.  The thing about this road, it never ends and it's only one way.  No U turns.
How can it be that my heart beats when it is broken into a million pieces?

I  miss you Dodo!

One Week From Today

One week from today...  that's when you left.  One week from today...  that's when my heart shattered into millions of pieces.  One week from today...  that's when all the air was sucked out of my lungs.  One week from today....  that's when my life stopped.  That night standing in the kitchen has been forever seared in my heart.   I fight for every breath, my lungs don't want to breathe.  I fight for every beat of my heart because my heart does not want to beat.  Why would they?  TELL ME!!!!  WHY WOULD  THEY?!?!

To say I miss you is a joke!  There are no words to completely convey what my heart feels.  I love you so much Dodo...  I never imagined a life without my big brother in it.  But then I never imagined a life without my mother either. You were always there to help me through those times after Mom left.  You were my rock Pete.  Now my rock is gone and I'm sinking in mud that has an iron grip on me.   Please Dodo, please come back..................I know... I know.

Can't blame you for leaving...

I can't blame you for leaving, but it's still not fair. I don't know what to do, now that you're not here.   I don't know how to love, don't know how to feel anything but pain.   All I want is to have you back.  To have you healthy, laughing and the brother I remember.  If all I can do to keep you here with me, I'll remember you.  And when I don't know what to think,  I'll think about you.

December....

Hey Dodo,
It's December.  I don't know what to do.  I play your phone message over and over just to hear your voice.  It's crazy, right?   I felt you the other day.  I was crying, In my mind I could hear you say, "It's ok kid.  I've gotcha."   Through the tears I kinda smiled and cried even harder and that's when it happened.  I could feel your arms around me.  Not like human arms....  I just knew you were  there holding me.  Dang, I miss those hugs.

As I walk to and from work I see more and more Christmas lights go up.  I think to myself, "Can I do it? Can I decorate and enjoy Christmas this year?"  Every time I come back with this overwhelming need to cry.   How on Earth will I ever be able to enjoy Christmas again?  All it holds now is heartache.  I bought a cute 6 inch Christmas tree that lights up and it changes color...  It's pretty, but all I see is a declaration, it means nothing to  me.  I look at your picture and I am over come by feelings.  Feelings of deep sadness and longing.  Feelings like.... too many to put into words.  There is  this darkness that creeps up every  now and again.  It's a familiar feeling.  He's an old friend.  He comes around from time to time.  I guess he thought he needed to stop by again.    No telling how long he will stay.

Hey Pete, do you remember the time in Tonopah when we were playing softball in the house with the dish thingy.  The plastic scrubber.  It was Christmas.  Mom came from the restaurant and said for us to knock it off or she was going to toss the tree and all out the back door and down the cliff because we kept breaking the ornaments?   Remember that?  Well, we thought sure she wasn't serious.  So we kept playing.  And damned if we didn't break another ornament just as she came back in the door.  We got our tails whooped and... yup, true to her word, the tree, ornaments, lights and tinsel went out the back door and down the cliff!!  You were laughing your ass off and I was crying!   We had Christmas in the restaurant that year.  I still have that picture.  
There it is.  Looking at us you'd think we were perfect little angles!  Hmmm  If you were still here we would go paint the town!  Have a good laugh and few drinks.  I miss you Dodo! More than I could ever adequately put into words.
Love you Dodo!

Grief... It really sucks!

Hello Dodo,

I'm sitting at my desk at a loss for words.  We talked this day last year.  It was late.  If memory serves me well we talked for nearly 2 hours.  Sweet Lord in Heaven, I would give anything to just hear his voice again.  That  deep southern drawl you have...  it would melt any woman's heart!

You would have been 67 this year.  But now you will be forever 66 years old.  I guess I'll catch up to you now.  Though I'd rather just have you back.

I felt your presence today.  I was crying, harder than I have in a long time.  I swore I felt your arms around me like you use to do when I would cry.  Then you would go beat up the bad guy.  No one messed with your kid sister.   Do  you remember the time you took me to school on "Baby"?   There was a bully that always tried to take our money or he would make snide remarks to a lot of us.
Then you & I pull up on this huge motorcycle one morning.  You are decked out in all leather and I have a leather jacket on that you got for me for my birthday that same year.   And there he was...  just staring at us.  You walk right up to him and said,  "Is your name Billy?"  He said, very sheepishly, "Yes sir."  Then you told him that if he continues to harass us he would have to do things he would not like.  Poor Billy didn't stand a chance.  He was in tears.  And by the time you were done with him, he was a puddle on the ground and he never bothered anyone ever again.   Do you remember everyone cheering after you were done??  I do.  All I could do was smile and I remember  being very very proud of my big brother!!!  Of course what I didn't know at the time was you had showed him your badge!  No wonder he came undone!!   At least for one day I was very popular at school.

So many stories to tell, some I just want to hold close to my heart.
I wish I could be close to family.  Just to be able to talk about you and listen to their stories, the ones they want to share.

Pete, I miss you so much.  You and Mom are so very close to my  heart and never far from my thoughts.  All I have to do is look up from my desk and on my wall are pictures of you and Mom.  Even on my desk.  All these years since Mom has been gone, I still miss her so much!  I loved talking about her with you.

They say there are 5 stages to grief;  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Well, denial still creeps up every now and then.  Like when I want to pick up the phone and call you.
Anger...  Hmmm, I still cannot be angry with you for going.  If I had a choice, I would go too.  I'm angry with myself for the way things went at the memorial, but I can't change it and hey frankly, I did the best I could.  Bargaining, can't say I have done that.  Depression,  yup, there is that.  Acceptance, oh hell no!!!!!  There will never be acceptance.  Why should I accept the fact you are gone?  NO!  I will not!  I refuse!  I love you too much.  Maybe some day I will be able to do that.  Today is not that day.

Happy Birthday Pete!  I love you with all my heart and soul!!!
Later Dodo....

Happy Birthday Pete

It's fall, the leaves are changing and it is quite lovely.   The sky does this magical thing where it changes colors.  Ushering in the long winter nights.  The time of year when folks are happy, full of joy and giving gifts during the Christmas Season.  That is before you left me.  Before you disappeared into the darkness.  Not even a goodbye.  Not that you ever would say goodbye, we all know how much you hated that word.  Goodbye.  Hell I hate that word.  But it doesn't stop the inevitable from happening.  Now I don't know how to say goodbye.  I'm afraid to say goodbye...  I saw a clip  a friend of yours posted on FB.  You were on there just briefly.  You waved and said "Hey", just hey...  That was so precious.  To hear your voice....   I miss your voice, your laughter, but you want to know what I miss the most????   Your hugs!  Those wonderful big ole bear hugs.  I always felt safe there.  I never worried, never doubted for a second...  I knew you had me.  I knew no one would ever hurt me.

Your birthday is the 22nd of this month.   It will also be 11 months since you have been gone.  You  would have been 67 years young.  You were way to young to leave me Pete.  I don't know how to do this any more.  My heart is shattered.  I don't have anyone to help pick the pieces up.   No one can even if they did try.  Only you could do that.

Your pictures surround me.  On my  desk, on my wall... everywhere, along  with Mom's pictures.  You two were beautiful people.  Inside and out.  Words are just words.  They will never be able to express the deep deep anguish my heart is in every single day with both of you gone.   So many  regrets..  not saying all the things I should have said.  Not spending enough time with y'all like I should have.  Now it is too late.  I will never be able to get that time back again.  It's gone forever.  Just like you and Mom.  I will always love you both so very very much.  some day I pray y'all can forgive me....

What if....

We are coming into the Holidays and more importantly your Birthday and the 1 year anniversary of when you left.  The big D word.  I hate saying the D word.  It makes it too real.  I'd rather live in the not so real world right now if you don't mind.  It's easier to swallow that way.

This year has been a complete daze for me.  Some days have been ok, mostly they have been barely tolerable.  I wake up and tell myself that it's ok, you can do this.  Grab a hold of your boot straps and yank real hard!  Get a grip and plant that great big smile God gave you and fool the population into believing you are doing absolutely wonderful!  Yeah, you cry, you moan and groan just enough to let them know you still struggle....  but not enough to show the depth of the pain and anguish.  Why?  Because they wouldn't understand.  No one would.  Most likely they would call the folks with those cute little blouses where the arms wrap all the way around you.  You know the ones.  Cute little buckles.  The only trouble is you need help getting them on and off.   Real pain in the ass.

I read your eulogy you wrote at your (so called) memorial.  I found it on your computer.  You said not to cry, not to mourn, not to say "Goodbye."  You said for us to say, "See you later."  There is one major flaw in that my darling brother!  Later, is far too long!  Later, may never come!  Not until we... you know the big D word.  What if I don't want to wait?  What if I want to see you now!  What if I want to hear your voice, your laughter and feel your great big ole bear hugs?  What if.......