One More Thing....

There is a song called "Lonely Enough" goes something like this....

"It's been a long time since I prayed
Let the words fall where they may
Forgive me now for what I'm about say
Tired of being on my knees
Sick of begging you please
Since the day you took him away from me

God, now how much more do I have to hurt?
How far down do you wanna see me go, tell me
God, you don't know the sadness of this place
You've got the angels and the saints....."

It goes on from there, but you get the idea....  Well now it seems as though I have to give up one more thing...  Jazzy is really suffering and I need to let him go.  I can't be selfish and allow him to suffer.  It just wouldn't be right.  Yet there are those who seem to thing it's too painful to do it.  So, guess where it lands.  Yup, right square in my lap.  As if I haven't lost enough.  The bitterness is building and I'm not sure how much more I can take.  Want to talk dark and twisty?  Want to talk depressed?  Want to talk being pissed?  You say you love me and yet your actions could fill a thousand books in a thousand libraries, your lack of compassion could fill a million rivers.  

You don't like my music, you don't like what I watch on TV.  I don't read the Bible enough for you.  I don't go to church....  You on the other hand always have your ear buds in listening to a lecture or listening to the Bible.  You are always reading the Bible.  Always at church.  I can be sobbing, my heart breaking into a million pieces right in front of you and you don't see it.  Yet, a female friend of yours on FB....  now, her you see.  Her you hear.  Her you show compassion to.  You know what?  I'm not even jealous...  I don't have the energy to be jealous.  You see jealousy requires a certain amount of love or care on my part.  I'm past that.  You killed me completely without regard the night Pete passed.  You had the perfect opportunity to show me your love.  All you had to do was put your arms around me and allow me to cry.  Instead you said, "Oh, how sad." then turned and went back to bed.  I stood in our very tiny kitchen and at that moment felt so insignificant, I may as well have died with my brother.  At least then I wouldn't now be faced with yet another heart wrenching  decision.  One I have to make by myself.  Because you feel it is too painful to make or to help me with before you go to work.  Right! So go to work and I'll make the decision for us and prayerfully I'll make the right decision and you won't have to be bothered with it.  

Maybe I'll make a decision for myself as well.

Dear L~rd where does the pain end?  When does the pain end?  I hear so many clichés, so many platitudes.  "Time heals all wounds."  "In time, your pain will lessen."  "God never gives you more than you can handle."  Oh and then there are the Bible verses people like to hurl your way.  Like Jeremiah 29, "For I know the plans I have for you..."  "...Joy comes in the morning."  On and on it goes.  Joy?!  seriously?  Joy?!  There is no joy in my mornings.  Only, "Oh crap I woke up!"  Yeah, it's like that!  I finally fell off that cliff overlooking the Abyss.  It goes on and on and on.... forever....  free falling.  They say it's not the fall that hurts....