1/21/2017

The Memorial is over and I spent the week going through Pete's things. Hardest thing I have ever done. In some ways harder than when Mom passed. I didn't have to go through her things, we never did go through her things. We couldn't bring ourselves to do it. They just sat in storage.  

I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive Tony and Bill for what they did.  Taking their Dad's ashes as if he were some kind of object or prize.  I don't know how to reconcile this in my head let alone in my heart.  Pete would never have forgiven me if Little Bill had taken him to MO.  Tennessee and Louisiana were his happiest times.  He wanted to be near Sylvia...  Now he is, at least for a little while, until Paul goes out on the boat again. Soon Dodo, soon you'll be on your beloved Mississippi River.  

Please forgive me for all the drama and for messing this thing up so badly. I never meant for it to go so wrong. I should have listened to you and not told Tony. I'm so so sorry Dodo.   What a mess I have made. Please forgive me. 

I love you so very much and miss you beyond words.  I have cried here and there, but I don't think I have really cried over  this huge hole in my life where you were once this Brilliant light that shone like a beacon. Like the Lighthouse in the harbor shinning over the ocean for the ships to see, to safely guide the sailors back home to their loved ones.  You were my beacon Pete. My shining light, and now you're gone.  How do I move on?  I keep asking myself how did this happen, why so soon?  Could have been prevented somehow???  Why didn't you tell me?  You knew! You knew you were dying, you told Red, but you didn't tell me.  I think I understand why you didn't tell me.  You didn't want me to worry or to be sad...  Once again you were protecting me, just as you have all our lives.  

1/25/2016

I made it through the one month mark.  Not without it's moments of tears and fears of never being able to crawl out of this pit...  Right now all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pull the cover up over my head and never ever come out again.  I'm tired.  Bone weary.  I wish I could be with my family in Louisiana.  To be able to grieve with them I think would help.

I wrote a letter to 'Lil Bill.  I can't believe what they did.  It was my fault Pete.  I should have listened to you.  But my heart got the best of me.  And they took you, held you hostage.  For what? A few trinkets?  It's just stuff!!!!!  The drama the heartache and the stress they caused is beyond me.  I'll never trust nor forgive them for this.  I know God says to forgive.  In time I will, but for now it is a cut so deep so brutal that only time and lots of it will heal.